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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Hope

I have hope again.

HOPE.



Thanks to beautiful, loyal, caring, giving (hope-giving TM) friends ...

and as well as having hope back in my heart and back in my life, my house will be on the market by October 1st.

T.A.N.W.

except, "Thank You".



Sunday, September 23, 2012

aaaah, that explains things

BEFORE I FORGET - if you are a "new" widow/er - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE arrange for a medical check-up around the six month anniversary.  Loss and grief can manifest itself as physical / medical condition(s).  This post refers to the impact my loss had on my health.  The mind/body connection is so so strong.

Please also read my friend's blog post about the massive toll that grief has taken on her body here.

It has taken three and a half years of widowhood for me to change ...

from this ....




to this ....




----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


So, I've been researching about Diabetes Type II (high blood sugar), Over-active thyroid (fast metabolism), B12 deficiency ... all of which I have been diagnosed with ...

and guess what, they share many symptoms ... and affect each other ... in a vicious circle ... 

depression
high blood pressure
digestive problems - bloating (interestingly substituting gluten free and lactose free groceries in my diet has helped this somewhat)
high cholesterol
increased heart rate
feeling hot 
itchy skin
weight loss
swollen legs/ankles
fatigue
difficulty to concentrate
weak auto-immunity
lack of energy
resistance to exercise due to weakness, loss of muscle, esp in limbs
no motivation
bleeding gums
joint pain
numb feet
loss of balance
increased appetite
lethargy
infections - ear
tooth decay
paranoia?

to name a few.  I already have "Diabetes for Dummies", and have ordered Could it be B12? "Thyroid for Dummies" as well as a "Coconut Recipe Book" and some coconut oil as a substitute for butter, oil etc - to improve my cholesterol levels.  

Education is key in fighting this fight.  And research is my thing.  

I know that the DASH Diet is the best eating plan for diabetes, making some minor tweaks for the thyroid issue (e.g.  I thought that I was being healthy eating raw broccoli - it actually exacerbates the goitre, like a few other vegetables ... unless it is cooked.)  I have a DASH shopping list and will amend it accordingly.  E.g.  Bananas are GREAT for diabetics, but should be rationed for thyroid problems.





Now I know why I've found it near impossible to get anything physical done ... why I've been so low, why I've been struggling, why ... even when I was sticking to my diet rigorously ... my glucose levels were not hitting target.

To have an explanation is a relief.  Because I have to tell you, that I have not been me ... for a long time.  Having these conditions go undiagnosed for too long means I have to build myself up from rock bottom ... but hey, for a widow ... been there, done that, got the t-shirt.  Re-reading recent posts I sound like a whiny, making myself a fucking victim, poor widow me, self-pitying .... meh.  You get the picture.   Grief too has played its part ... but I think that all of it - the whole kit n kaboodle has got mixed up in my mind, body and soul's blender - overlapping, with no defined boundaries.  Mind you, this is no surprise ... a holistic approach is the only approach IMHO.





Back to the doc tomorrow.  I'm going to ask for a monthly B12 jab and look forward to my Rx for thyroid.  I'm going to suggest not taking a statin or BP pills as - treating these conditions holistically should take care of those nasty little side-effects.  And, I'm going to discuss the benefits of insulin vs. pills to control the diabetes, taking into consideration the medical benefits that metformin has on diabetes and thyroid issues.  (I don't know if you can take insulin and metformin.)  I must be desperate to get better LOL ... if I'm contemplating needles over pills.




I'm in the right state of mind ... add the right meds into the mix, short dog-walks building up into longer ones, friends helping me to purge and pack, the DASH eating plan, a zinc supplement, cooked broccoli ;-)



yes, he is a little dog, and yes he drags me along



Onward and upwards ....

forwards, sideways ....


slowly .... one step at a time.



whinge-free positive blogging TM



... and ... da da da ... 







I have ordered one of those e-cigarette things.  Yes, I really have.




Saturday, September 15, 2012

Tired of battling ... tired of being lonely

I've been doing this too long now, Baba.

So tired, so sick of the relentless daily battles.

So lonely.  So alone.  That quote about no man being an island is bullshit ... that's how it feels to be widowed.

It's worn me down.

Low low low.

I'm trying to work out a diet that accommodates diabetes, thyroid issues and possible intolerance to gluten too.  

I'm trying to motivate myself and walk Barney for longer distances.

I still haven't had Fred put down - but I AM going to.

I'm still physically and emotionally reeling from the disgraceful treatment I've been privileged to experience from a friend ... who clearly is not a friend.  It fucking hurts so much.  I am still devastated that she clearly doesn't give a shit about me when I cared so much for her ... in thought and action.  And I'm going to have to deal with her ... contact her, when ... the decent thing would be for her to approach me.  I didn't need any more friends.  I should have known better.  She has given no consideration nor thought to how I feel and she thinks she's smarter than I am.  Wrong.  Every time she opened her mouth, I knew what she was up to.  Even my facial leakage and sighing didn't alert her.  Deception and betrayal.  Heartbreak.   Ahhh, live and learn ... move on.

There ARE a lot of good peeps out there ... there is hope and love.

I scraped a car yesterday and the insurance company kept me on the phone for half an hour to sort it out.  Then I had to call the victim and pacify him ... bent over as the phone was dead and needed to be plugged in - with a short lead.  The man was worrying about stuff that isn't an issue.  In the meantime the doorbell rang incessantly, courtesy of a delivery man ... accompanied by high pitch and off-key barking.  Cliff used to deal with all this crap.  I don't know why ... I mean I never felt a lack of confidence at work ... yet, household stuff ... it scares me.  Stupid.

I drove down the coast last night just to speak to other human beings.  Ones that I love and can trust.  Then I didn't want to come home, but I did because I can't leave the dogs all night.

Tomorrow I'm driving to a different coast to have a roast dinner in a pub with a couple of girlfriends.  They are lively and I can't help but laugh in their company :-)  Good medicine.

And ... L and I have booked a cruise around Hawaii - in 14 months.  What a trip to look forward to.  I've been reading about the Islands, excursions, cruise etc.   It's like an addiction ... or, is it escapism?  LOL.  But you know what, it IS going to be a wonderful trip.  We've had a strong connection for almost 4 years, having met through our blogs about widowhood.  We love and hate the same food.  Weirdly, we have the same bucket list of things we really really want to see.  We're sharing a cabin with a balcony, and we're spending a couple of days in Waikiki before the cruise to adjust to the time zone and see the Arizona Memorial, catch some sunshine and slurp some Blue Hawaiians ;-)

So, it really isn't all bad.  I have friends and family who love me.  Stuff to look forward to.  A network of widow/ers to reassure me.

But I miss you, Baba.  Too much.  I want you to come home.

It hurts.

All I want is to have a bath, then lie on cool clean sheets with you.  It's not a big ask.  But it's an impossible one.  I know that.  After three and a half years, there is no fog to mask reality.  So now, I don't let myself think about you too much.  I can talk about you with friends ... and laugh.  But alone, here ... it is different.  I bought some Joss Stone and Amy Winehouse tracks on iTunes, and a couple of them just brought waterfalls of tears.  And pure pain.  That said, I slept well afterwards ... and tears really ARE healing.  This is how I manage my grief these days.  Music or photos ... waterfalls.  Then I switch off again.

I miss being held by you.  Feeling safe.  Smug married.

I miss you too much.

My beautiful strong husband.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apttYO-74Mw   (a million years would not have been long enough)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nApG9J3y_ko  (killer lyrics)