Thursday, November 15, 2012

Saturday, November 10, 2012

and I've made a decision ....

When I have settled in Spain ... and am about to launch my VA biz ... I'm taking down my blog.

My decision is based on two reasons:

1.  It feels as though I've had two lives .... the first being with my parents, the second with Cliff ... and I'll be embarking on my third.  A fresh start.

2.  It's reputation protection.  Let's be honest.  If a prospective client does a google search on me and reads this blog, I wouldn't blame him if he went running for the hills.  Only the widowed know that my writings are testament to my having a sane reaction to an insane situation.  The untouched will simply think I'm insane.

And, I'm going to Myrtle Beach ... however, my reason for going is not part of my healing process.  I'll be very honest.  I'm going to socialise and see peeps who have become close friends family ... and I just want to chill out in the sun, drink margaritas, laugh and have fun.  Spend time with Kathy Papajohn and all those familiar faces that I've grown to love so much.  It's a break.  And that my friends, speaks volumes.  It tells me how far I've come in this 4 year journey.

Pulling my head out of the sand

My "brother from another mother" has bailed me out with an interest free loan for 6 months.  *sigh of relief*

I now have enough funds to see me through until my house sells / the PPI refund comes through (the latter is still a work in progress ... I've just filled out and mailed in more forms - hopefully the last of them).

Knowing I have a cash-flow again has given me the energy to sort other stuff out ... I've found a buyer for Cliff's Kent Pegs, a buyer for his confederate notes, a reasonably priced storage facility for the boxes of stuff that will be shipped out to Spain when I've found a villa ... a dog kennel a couple of miles from my sister's for Barney (as I'm moving in with her when the house is packed up/emptied and she has two rag doll cats so Barney can't stay with me ... but at least I can walk him every day to make it up to him).

Fred (my other dog) has gone to a dog's charity and he will not be re-homed due to his behavioural issues.  I just couldn't kill him.

I've learned to say "NO!" and actually done so on several occasions recently.  I've confronted peeps on their treatment of me ... and boy did that shock some of them.

I've said, "sure I can give you a lift but I need the petrol money".  I've not shared my cigarettes like they're going out of fashion.

I've pulled in favours.  Yes, I'll pick them up (they don't have their own transport) but again, no fancy food, no free cigarettes, no bottles of vodka, no extra cash .... lean times.)

If peeps want stuff that I'm going to trash, they'll have to sort out the logistics of getting it to their homes ... or load my car and pay for fuel.  The free bus stops here.  Now.

I got so fucking bored of predicting peeps' next moves before they've even thought of it themselves.  And then not being disappointed (typed with thick treacle-y sarcasm).  So, now I take temptation out of the equation or spell shit out so damn CLEAR, that it's almost offensive, but somehow they are not offended.

Just don't want to do any more favours.  Not till the balance is restored somewhat.  It's hard ... to help peeps is hard-wired into my very genetic makeup.  Live and learn, Mayhew.  Live and learn.  As Cliff always said to me, "you can't help anyone else if you've not sorted yourself out."

I miss his wisdom, his guidance and his mentoring.  But I've learned that there are a handful of very smart peeps out there, who have my interests at heart and talk things through with me so that I see, with crystal clarity, what the good and bad catalysts are in my life, my behaviour ... (again, I owe gratitude to my "brother from another mother", as well as other old school friends.)

And, I've had an enormous clanging wake-up call.  One of my tribe.  One of my very own.  One of the sweetest men I ever knew, who grew into a big bear of a man, and who gave bear hugs (almost) as good as Cliff's (I AM biased) has died.  A few days ago, whilst on business in LA.  We are all saddened and shocked.  It's made me realise that if I don't look after myself, it could be me next ... so, I've been walking the dog, eating better food and I found a great muscle and energy building shake that is low in sugar ... and wow does it make me feel good.  No more sleeping on the sofa for days on end, in denial.

Mrs Mayhew has finally pulled her finger out of her arse.   Da, da, daaaaaaa.

The house has been purged.  YAY.
Now my driveway looks like a landfill.   BOOOOOO.

But my neighbour has offered to fill the car up and we'll take the whole lot to the tip on Monday.

House has had a healthy value put on it ... and when it sells, I'll be looking at a key-ready villa (something like this one - with a low no-maintenance garden.  Not taking furniture ... just ornaments, linen, clothes, books and sentimental stuff like cards and photos.  And I have a helper to box it up :-)

There's a huge IKEA near where Barney and I are relocating to.  Cheap, my taste, fresh start.   My health is improving ... grief and illness has overlapped like a Venn diagram - I know I'll always miss and love Cliff ... however, taking the stress of an unfinished house and feeling so so ill out of the picture .... may prove to be the injection of motivation and relaxed lifestyle that is the real prescription required.

My virtual biz is 95% ready to launch - just need land and fax numbers ... then BOOOOOOM!!!!  And, my property consultant, who's become a friend, has informed me that the local town hall is screaming out for TEFL tutors ... so even if I don't need the extra cash, I'm going to teach for 5 hours per week, just to build up my network locally, meet peeps ....

I'm just remembering that deep deep deep, somewhere there is that girl that a magic man built up to believe in herself.  To believe that she could do anything she set her mind to.  That she was smart enough to do more.  Four years ago she was smug married.  Happy and fulfilled at work.  On a roll.  Then the magic in that man had to go somewhere else, albeit part of it remained within her heart, soul and very being.  She's beginning to remember.  She's shovelling the shit aside, the magic is starting to show itself ... a pinprick in the darkness.  

Peeps may have head-fucked me ... and this time my Baba was not here to manage me through it ... but the song remained the same ... and I can remember all his words ... and so I am listening to him again.  I'm picking myself up.  I'll let him heal me again ... and, he'd be so relieved ... once again, I've come through it ... without hatred or bitterness.  But one thing is different this time ... I shan't give them another chance to shit down my throat again.  I can't afford to ... for another bout of bringing me to my knees may result in me not standing up again.

They're all very fortunate ... if I was a power crazy bitter old hag, I could have torn a scar right through one town and left headless bodies in my wake.  But it wouldn't have made me feel better.  Just as well I have a conscience, huh?  I don't care about their actions ... I care about my reaction to their actions.

But, they better be careful out there ... I've reached my tipping point.  Don't mistake kindness as a weakness.  Be grateful that I don't humiliate you when you talk down to me ... don't forget that I helped you.  Just because I'm grieving and ill doesn't mean I'm suddenly stupid.  I just have more grace in my pinky than you do.  That's all.  I swallow it ... but shake my head inwardly.  Tread carefully, for you are no angels ... I have the benefit of a privileged education coupled with a very different education courtesy of my husband ... together - they make a lethal combo.  Just as well I use it wisely.