Monday, October 15, 2012


I think I might be getting used to going to social functions alone.  It doesn't fill me with fear or sadness these days.

Last night I went to my goddaughter's Engagement Dinner.  Without Cliff, clearly.

I enjoyed every minute ... I wallowed in memories of her ... the first time I held her, aged 48 hours ... to the little pig-tailed cutie, the teenager ... now a gorgeous auburn haired beauty of a woman.  My heart is happy for her ... I immediately liked loved her fiancĂ© and his parents too.  It was a great night.  Lovely to be ensconced into my BFF's family - a place I feel very much at home.

And the food was .... mmmmmmmm nom nom nom.  A hearty soup, pasta ragu, sorbet, cappuccino and one vodka and diet coke :-)

I did cry when I parked in the driveway, but mainly because I knew the heating and hot water wasn't working and the temperature had dropped to zero ... and because, well it's an emotional thing ... realising your goddaughter has got engaged and the years have gone .... when DID she grow up.  How did THAT happen.  How are my BFF and I both nearing the big 5-0?

I was thinking about this "getting used to thing" and couldn't decide if it was a good thing, or whether I should be sad that I'm in this place.  I think he'd be happy for me though.  And, then I checked out my widow friend Lynette's blog, to find she'd written along the same lines.  Weird huh?  No wonder we're off to Hawaii together in a year's time.

Here's the big speech from last night - it's marvellous.  Very British.  Very funny.  

Thursday, October 11, 2012

update on stolen fairy dust

So ...

after sending texts to two numbers - I was finally graced with a response.  I have been promised a payment on Tuesday.  (I have a feeling that I would have been ignored had I not texted her other half though).

The person who I let down, albeit because I was extremely ill, has not bothered to ask how I am ... I guess my boiler will now go unfixed.

and ... my peeps have been back in touch and are helping me again tomorrow ... I know they think that all is fine and dandy again ... and I can't be bothered to spell out the consequences of them not doing what they said they would do .... the impact on me is - a further delay of 4 weeks.  Because the plan of action was interrupted, unfortunately other logistical support will now be put off till peeps return from their two-week holiday ... so my house should be on the market NOW, and it will not be till end October.

Funds are scarily low ... and I have no illusion that come the end of this month, the same peeps will be chasing me to deliver on what I said I would do ... even though they have not.  It sounds snottily ungrateful.  I do so appreciate it - they've done loads, but I was relying on them and now I'm even more stressed.

Maybe it's my fault.  I thought I'd made my predicament clear.  But perhaps I should have spelled it out, like A leads to B and this leads to C ... blah blah blah.

So, I'm trying to sell the Kent pegs, good timber in storage in the garden, as well as old collectible chimney pots.

And tomorrow Matt will hopefully manage to open the safe ... so I can sell the confederate banknotes, and get my mitts on the cash in there.  

I've chased my PPI claim, asking them to update me on the progress of my settlement, and received a credit card (with limit of £1k) this week (even though I didn't request it!)

What a fucking nightmare.  And to top it off, the man whose car I scratched has phoned to say he's sick of going round in circles trying to claim on my insurance, so I'm going to pay it (£300) and keep my no-claims bonus.  I'd have to pay a surplus, it's a no-brainer, but unwelcome ....

FFS, I so do NOT want to ask my big sis for a loan - ARGHHHHHHHH.

Off to the doc again tomorrow .... hopefully, I'll feel a bit better after?

And it'll be good to see Kirsty and Matt - just to have some human contact and noise in the house.

and I have NO idea why the first paragraph is highlighted in white????

Monday, October 8, 2012

Now that the magic has gone

Didn't take long.   The magic from last night has been cast away by someone who has let me down.  And they're blanking me.  Owe me money.   Let me down.   They know how ill I am and that I need it for food.  But their word is jack.

Why the fuck is it that I am expected.   That I have to do what I say I'm going to do.  And no other fucker has to?

I'm inconsolable.   Angry.   It's made me ill.  

And last week my phone calls went unanswered when all I wanted was advice ... which they knew.   After years of helping ... it was too much to ask.   Until today when they wanted a favour.  FFS.

And one more thing.   It's fucking cruel to give someone this ill.   This vulnerable.  This stressed.   It's cruel to give them hope.   Then take it away.  To say one thing.  And then pretend you didn't. Then blank me.   Don't you understand the consequences on my mental health.  And other shit?

You're all hurting and killing me.  Literally.   I'm going to have a fucking stroke.

So glad I went

It was our friend Marcus' 50th Birthday ... and he arranged a private function to celebrate ... at The Pavilion in Broadstairs.

Big blue cake.
Live music courtesy of EK1, followed by a set that got everyone's feet moving.
Old friends and faces.
Good bar staff.

I have no idea why, but I felt nervous about going.  Without my Cliffy.  I bought Marcus a bottle of Hine cognac and a piss-taking, personalised Moonpig card.  It felt like the gift that Cliff would have selected himself ... I just wanted him to know that he is special and appreciated.  I really was touched that he thought to invite me and how he and Lloyd both mentioned my weight loss without making me feel self-conscious.  I explained about the undiagnosed (till a month ago) thyroid issue and they accepted that, although Marcus did say (three times) ... eat MORE (seriously, the man would be shocked ... I think I eat as much as the pair of them).

It took me a shedload of self-motivation to get ready and get there.  But I did.  And I am so so glad I went.  Still buzzing with the sheer joy of being immersed in that old familiar circle.  I liked that peeps talked about Cliff to me, and that others told me of many conversations mentioning him all evening.

I rocked up at a fashionable late time of 22h00, announcing my name to security.  He grinned and said, "I know who you are!  Margo Mayhew, good to see you ... in you go."

I got a drink and started looking for Lloyd and Angie because I feel confident in their company.  They were sitting down and it was wonderful to see them, and looking so well.  It wasn't long before Brian found me, then Marcus, Saeid, and other faces.  Old School.  It wasn't long before I felt completely at home in my surroundings.

OMFG.  "Two devils and a vampirette!"  LOL

After two and a half hours, I didn't want the night to end, but licencing laws dictated otherwise.  I spent most of the evening chatting with Saeid - he is a brother from another mother.  Truly.  I LOVED that he totally got it when I confided in him that I had no desire to re-marry or otherwise.  He just SO got it.  And agreed that I didn't HAVE to have a man to be complete.  Or happy.  That it was possible to be happy and widowed/single.

And something else happened tonight ... I spotted a woman.  Something in the way she moved.  Glimpsed her face and that lovely chestnut hair.  "Nat?" I said, incredulously.  "OMG, Margo!"    Huge huge hug.   Smiles, more hugs.  "Margo," she blurted in one fast loud sentence.  "I lost my husband a year ago."  "Oh, Nat" massive bear hug.  "Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry."  Eye contact. Then I shared, "I lost my husband too, three and a half years ago."   Another big bear hug.  "It's been 25 years!"   "We were meant to meet today."  Nat beckons Dave (her brother) over, who almost starts screaming and jumping with excitement.  Phone numbers are exchanged ... they were on their way out - kismet.  Kismet.

We'll be in touch.  Not to share gloom and doom.  But I have almost two years on her.  Stuff to share.  

We looked in each other's eyes once more.  "It's fucking shit, isn't it, Nat?" "Yes, it is."   Emotional squeeze good-bye.  WOW.   As Nat said, we were so close.  We share fun memories.  From care-free and grief-free days.  And we were instantly easy in each other's company once again.

Can't wait to see her.

And ... I can't wait to hug my BFF to thank her for the offer of a bed locally.  (I know it was really in case I was upset at the end of the night, having partied without him.)  I love her so much.