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Saturday, September 15, 2012

Tired of battling ... tired of being lonely

I've been doing this too long now, Baba.

So tired, so sick of the relentless daily battles.

So lonely.  So alone.  That quote about no man being an island is bullshit ... that's how it feels to be widowed.

It's worn me down.

Low low low.

I'm trying to work out a diet that accommodates diabetes, thyroid issues and possible intolerance to gluten too.  

I'm trying to motivate myself and walk Barney for longer distances.

I still haven't had Fred put down - but I AM going to.

I'm still physically and emotionally reeling from the disgraceful treatment I've been privileged to experience from a friend ... who clearly is not a friend.  It fucking hurts so much.  I am still devastated that she clearly doesn't give a shit about me when I cared so much for her ... in thought and action.  And I'm going to have to deal with her ... contact her, when ... the decent thing would be for her to approach me.  I didn't need any more friends.  I should have known better.  She has given no consideration nor thought to how I feel and she thinks she's smarter than I am.  Wrong.  Every time she opened her mouth, I knew what she was up to.  Even my facial leakage and sighing didn't alert her.  Deception and betrayal.  Heartbreak.   Ahhh, live and learn ... move on.

There ARE a lot of good peeps out there ... there is hope and love.

I scraped a car yesterday and the insurance company kept me on the phone for half an hour to sort it out.  Then I had to call the victim and pacify him ... bent over as the phone was dead and needed to be plugged in - with a short lead.  The man was worrying about stuff that isn't an issue.  In the meantime the doorbell rang incessantly, courtesy of a delivery man ... accompanied by high pitch and off-key barking.  Cliff used to deal with all this crap.  I don't know why ... I mean I never felt a lack of confidence at work ... yet, household stuff ... it scares me.  Stupid.

I drove down the coast last night just to speak to other human beings.  Ones that I love and can trust.  Then I didn't want to come home, but I did because I can't leave the dogs all night.

Tomorrow I'm driving to a different coast to have a roast dinner in a pub with a couple of girlfriends.  They are lively and I can't help but laugh in their company :-)  Good medicine.

And ... L and I have booked a cruise around Hawaii - in 14 months.  What a trip to look forward to.  I've been reading about the Islands, excursions, cruise etc.   It's like an addiction ... or, is it escapism?  LOL.  But you know what, it IS going to be a wonderful trip.  We've had a strong connection for almost 4 years, having met through our blogs about widowhood.  We love and hate the same food.  Weirdly, we have the same bucket list of things we really really want to see.  We're sharing a cabin with a balcony, and we're spending a couple of days in Waikiki before the cruise to adjust to the time zone and see the Arizona Memorial, catch some sunshine and slurp some Blue Hawaiians ;-)

So, it really isn't all bad.  I have friends and family who love me.  Stuff to look forward to.  A network of widow/ers to reassure me.

But I miss you, Baba.  Too much.  I want you to come home.

It hurts.

All I want is to have a bath, then lie on cool clean sheets with you.  It's not a big ask.  But it's an impossible one.  I know that.  After three and a half years, there is no fog to mask reality.  So now, I don't let myself think about you too much.  I can talk about you with friends ... and laugh.  But alone, here ... it is different.  I bought some Joss Stone and Amy Winehouse tracks on iTunes, and a couple of them just brought waterfalls of tears.  And pure pain.  That said, I slept well afterwards ... and tears really ARE healing.  This is how I manage my grief these days.  Music or photos ... waterfalls.  Then I switch off again.

I miss being held by you.  Feeling safe.  Smug married.

I miss you too much.

My beautiful strong husband.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apttYO-74Mw   (a million years would not have been long enough)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nApG9J3y_ko  (killer lyrics)









3 comments:

  1. i am sorry you've been betrayed. i know how much it hurts. at a time when friends are so critical, you have been hurt. what goes around comes around. one day, she will experience the kharma she has put out there.

    a trip to Hawaii with a wonderful friend, such a wonderful thing to look forward to. pictures please when it happens. i live through other people's trips.

    i'm always here. for as long as i am allowed by life, i will be here for you. quiet little Bunny wishing you peace.

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