Saturday, June 30, 2012
Disappointed ... upset ... stressed
I am so tired of this.
Of me giving everything I can.
Considering people in my life and trying to help.
Then helping them.
Practically, financially, emotionally ...
at the expense of my own very small reserve of energy (due to health issues) ...
then being heart-broken because they don't even stop to think about the effect their (un)thoughtfulness, i.e. they don't even stop for a fucking second to think about how I feel, what I literally am depending on them for. It just doesn't occur to them. Let alone even ask me if I'll be ok. Or, discuss it. Agree a compromise. Anything.
My bestie and I, ironically had a long discussion about this, albeit "bigger picture", and then today, it happened AGAIN.
It's so hurtful. And it's brought me to my knees, just as I was almost standing upright again.
I don't give to receive. I just automatically do it. My BFF is always trying to rein me back in. But when I've really really pushed the boat out for someone, and it is so crystal clear that, today, I wasn't even spared a thought. It fucking destroyed me.
I can't even say, "oh, one day I'll learn" ... it's part of my genetic make-up, and I'm 48 years old now - a little late to change now. Besides, WTF should I? It's part of me .... part of the person Cliff fell in love with.
Got to sign off ... getting neurotic that my tears are going to blow up my MacBook.
I'm beyond exhausted. It's been three and a half years, alone.
And forever is such a big word.
Posted by Boo at 11:01 PM