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Saturday, June 30, 2012

Disappointed ... upset ... stressed




I am so tired of this.


Of me giving everything I can.


Considering people in my life and trying to help.


Then helping them.


Practically, financially, emotionally ...


at the expense of my own very small reserve of energy (due to health issues) ...


then being heart-broken because they don't even stop to think about the effect their (un)thoughtfulness, i.e. they don't even stop for a fucking second to think about how I feel, what I literally am depending on them for.  It just doesn't occur to them.  Let alone even ask me if I'll be ok.  Or, discuss it.  Agree a compromise.  Anything.


My bestie and I, ironically had a long discussion about this, albeit "bigger picture", and then today, it happened AGAIN.


It's so hurtful.  And it's brought me to my knees, just as I was almost standing upright again.


I don't give to receive.  I just automatically do it.  My BFF is always trying to rein me back in.  But when I've really really pushed the boat out for someone, and it is so crystal clear that, today, I wasn't even spared a thought.  It fucking destroyed me.


I can't even say, "oh, one day I'll learn" ... it's part of my genetic make-up, and I'm 48 years old now - a little late to change now.  Besides, WTF should I?  It's part of me .... part of the person Cliff fell in love with.


Got to sign off ... getting neurotic that my tears are going to blow up my MacBook.




I'm beyond exhausted.  It's been three and a half years, alone.


And forever is such a big word.



9 comments:

  1. it is a big word and one i no longer understand the meaning of. i'm sorry people are being cruel. looking down the long {short} years, well, i think i'll go lie down.

    i wish you peace.

    ReplyDelete
  2. sweet boo. You're right - these (ahem) quirks that bite us, bite you, are part of what they loved. Shook their heads at and rolled their eyes maybe, but loved still. Trusting and giving is part of you.

    Hoovering thoughtless boogers suck.

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOVE YOU!!! The pain of dealing with selfish, thoughtless people should not have to be part of our lives when we're already dealing with the overwhelming grief. Sadly, it seems to come as part of the package. My wish for all of us is that they wake up and realize their impact or just quietly recede into the periphery where they no longer impact us. Praying for strength and grace for us all!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Boo:

    It seems there has been an epidemic of this behavior lately. As I read different blogs and have experienced recently some painful experiences with "friends", after 8 1/2+ years, I still don't know how to handle these situations. Most times I am quiet, but recently I just blew!

    I am sorry! :( On top of EVERYTHING -- this is not what you need.

    You are NOT alone, though, I know it feels like it!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh, my dear sweet Boo ....
    Beth is right. I've written about this on my blog, as you well know.
    All I want to say is .... "REALLY?!! WTH?!"
    Why now, after 4 1/2 years for me, is this crap going on? Why are the friends who are left, the ones who stuck through some of the worst times, now knock us upside the head/heart with painful words and thoughts and feelings? Maybe they think that we can take it now?
    I have no idea, but it sucks.
    And Beth is right about this, too ..... you are NOT alone.
    I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yes there is so definitely a trend here. Noticeably. And another thing. A couple of peeps spoke to me like I was stupid or shit too in the past 2 wks

    And I'm not being nasty here. Just factual. They're both waaaay behind me in intellect education intelligence. So WTF?

    Mistaking kindness and grace as a weakness. Again. Boring isn't it!!!

    Thanks all of u for yr love and support

    Maybe it's the hot weather. Maybe they think we're over it

    Or maybe were more thoughtful than they are.

    <3. Love you back x

    ReplyDelete
  7. Boo,
    I was originally with you on another website and have missed you. I see some things are still the same. My biggest problems was with the in-laws and the best thing I ever did was basically avoid them. It was bringing me down and making me a nasty broken person. Maybe it's time you do the same. It is amazing how liberating it can be.
    Love ya' ((((hugs))))
    mlg from the hov website.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Boo:
    I know how you feel , I am also a giver and when I don't get back I get very hurt. It seems that people are getting worse and really don't care about others. Its been 4 yrs. for me and that word FOREVER is really a big word and never goes away. But the one word that is even worse is ALONE. Just know that you are not alone many others who follow your blog are their with you. Do you even realize how much your blog helps others realize they are not alone.
    Stay strong,
    Hugggssss,
    Michee

    ReplyDelete