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Saturday, December 24, 2011

It had to come

It had to come.

I thought I was doing so well.

Got gifts. Thru mail order to avoid all cheery people holding hands at huge mall.

Got neighbour to wrap all the gifts.

Put gifts in car ... ready to give when visiting friends and family over the holidays.

Then got ill - flu which developed into chest infection so slept for a week.

Then ran away from Christmas past by dreaming about Christmas future - this time next year - I'll actually be decorating my first tree since Cliff died. This time next year ... in Spain ... in our new home in Andalucia ... Me, Jayde, Amber, Theo and Scarlett. Familia. Cliff's blood. But they are mine. As well. I don't feel like a step-mother or step-nana. Perhaps a step-Boo? Actually no. Not step anything. Familia.

So ... yep ... been dreaming about "Feliz Navidad" in 2012.

Then I turned into an aisle at the supermarket to have my nostrils assaulted with such an evocative hit of fresh pine that I immediately started crying. For him. Two aisles later I had regained control. But it was bubbling.


Just beneath my skin I'm screaming. Salva Mea.


I rush to escape.

And fly out the door like a bat out of hell.

To promptly release a public outpouring of grief. Seriously primal. Loud. Those mournful animal noises that come out of me. But not in my voice. Noises I never made before he died.

People stopped. Mouths agape. Did I care? Fuck, no. I just got louder and louder.

And I felt better. After.

Those translucent faded watercolours are following me once more. Today. They've brought me to my knees. Literally. And they've brought a beginning of a smile too.

I've learned. I can't dwell in Christmas past or Christmas future. I have to live in Christmas present. It's called present because it IS a gift.

And so I'm celebrating it by making a proper homemade trifle for his best mate. Another first. And I'm celebrating that it IS less painful. I mean the tsunamis still hit. But. Less often. And they dissipate faster. Thank fuck for that. Another gift.

So, what's on your wishlist? Apart from Christmas past or future?

I'd like a pair of Louboutins. Or charms for my pandora bracelet. But Santa died back in 2009 so that's not going to happen. I'd settle for anything. Anything at all. With one caveat. All I wish for is that whatever I'm given shows that some thought went into it. That's all. Because I do. I mean ... I put a lot of thought and time into selecting what I give. And it makes me feel so very sad if I receive stuff that o know could have been thrown in a supermarket trolley. That'll do. Or worse. That'll do for someone. Then having it assigned to me. Ungrateful? Not really. It could cost five quid. It's the thought I wish for. The care. The selection.

I don't think it's such a huge ask.