Sunday, June 26, 2011


I've had a fairly good weekend, only a few tears. There again I've snoozed through a great part of it.

Friday night I went down the coast to see Cliff's daughter. She laughed at me, because in my excitement at seeing Scarlett, I ran straight past her.

As promised, I'd printed out some photo collages I made on Photoscape of her and the kids. I'd also made one of Cliff and myself, and had it in the same pack, ready to show my BFF Vicki. Jayde caught sight of it and her reaction so touched me.

"ohhhh, wow, what lovely photos," she said.

"I chose those ones because they're really happy memories. Good times."

"I can see that. They're wonderful. I love this one, it's so beautiful," she added.

"Would you like this copy then, you can have it?"

"I'd love it, thank you."

Baba, your little girl has grown up so much. We still have that sisterly relationship. But she's become my friend now too.

Sitting there holding and telling Scarlett how beautiful she is and how she is loved so so much ... it grounds me. It gives me such peace. She just lays there looking at me, but she makes me feel so happy.

It was great to see Vicki. I hadn't seen her for the past two weekends. We gave each other a huge bear hug, both getting a bit emotional really. Her daughter (my goddaughter) was sleeping there in between moving, and when she came home and went to bed, we went upstairs to Vicki's bedroom, lying down on all the pillows, chilling and chatting. It felt as though we'd gone back to when we were 18 again.

The rest of it? Playing on my laptop, reading, snoozing, phone calls.

Like I was saying, I was having a fairly good weekend, then I put the Glastonbury highlights on, and Coldplay played these three songs, almost in a row.

And I broke. (The Scientist) (Fix You) (Every Teardrop is a Waterfall)

It's just as well I didn't go this year.

But I'm going to go the year after next ... (next year Glastonbury isn't on) because I want to go before I'm 50, and before I move to Spain. Cliff always refused to go, saying that I'd start crying when I saw the state of the toilets and the food and that he'd have had to have found a hotel, thus doubling the cost of the weekend. I think that it was the only thing I ever asked for that he said no to.

So the plan is to hire a campervan (with toilet and fridge .... oh and a freezer shelf for ice cubes of course) and go in 2013. Maybe Jayde (his daughter) will come with me. I think we'd all like that.

Right now it's sunny and warm outside ... even though it's 20h30. I looked out at the decking and wanted to sit there, but I knew I'd break again .... he's not here to sit with me. When I move to Spain I'll be able to sit outside again without him.

Just one little problem, when I do move, I know I'll finally believe that he isn't ever coming home. On an intellectual level, I accept that he's dead. He's dead. But my heart ... my heart still doesn't believe. And it scares me. I'm scared I'll lose my mind. I'm not ready for it yet. NOT YET. Two years and counting ...


  1. Yes, on the moving thing. Being somewhere he has not been - it will have to be real then. Me too - also afraid I will lose my mind and worse.

  2. I haven't sat out on our deck since Austin died for the very same reason. It is a very lonely place, under the sun or the stars, without him. I too am thinking about the relief that living somewhere where he hasn't been would provide. But I'm at least five years away, until the boys are finished school. But I'm already dreaming, while wrapping myself in our memories. Your trip in 2013 sounds great!!!! It will be a fun trip indeed! I'm also thinking that visiting you in Spain would be a fun trip! Lots of love to you, Boo. I'm going to go listen to the Coldplay songs now...

  3. Good gracious - I was listening to those very songs just the other day - I had never heard the 'teardrop' song before . . . I had missed this post until just now as my RSS updater wasn't working for some reason, and unfortunately I rely on it to let me know when people post.

    Anywhoo, I thought it was strange/interesting that we were listening to the same music half a world apart . . .

    Love you,