Sunday, March 20, 2011
Take another piece of my heart
The pain remains the same. No less than when I watched him take his last breath. I've learned to incorporate much of my grief into my very being, so that I can function "normally" at work. At home, I release it. Grief tires like nothing else. It debilitates. I have spent this weekend in my PJ's not wanting to speak to or see anyone ... I need the solitude, I crave this time with him, remembering ... and with my grief. Otherwise it spills, making a mess and rendering others helpless along with myself.
Clearly I couldn't cope with scattering more of Cliff's ashes with the second firework ... not so close to his birthday. I should have realized ... but Shirley and I did release some Chinese Lanterns on the 16th. It was cathartic to write and draw on them, then release them, filled with warm air and love ... taking our messages of love and some of our pain away with them. I also felt a strong connection to Jackie and Kim as I knew they were hurting ... missing their loves on the day that they shared birthdays with Cliff on. Three men. So much love ... and pain that compelled me to light lanterns for them too. Here is Cliff's lantern from me.
My heart, upon realizing that three birthdays have passed since he did, breaks into smaller pieces still ... when I believed it could not. And I wonder ... each time I lose another piece of my heart ... does it get sent to Cliff? Does he get to hold it? Make it better and send it back to me, so that love eventually replaces pain, in that great big Cliff-shaped hole that is carved out of my heart? I like to think so. He always knew me better than I know myself, enabling him to heal me from any hurt ... why would that change? Death is the end of a corporeal life, not a relationship ... it cannot end the twinning of two souls that love each other so. So, baby, take yet another piece of my heart now. It's yours anyway. When I'm ready, send it back as love. I know that one day ... my heart will be filled with your love, my love ... us and our love ... powerful enough to fight this pain that resides there now. For love is stronger than death.
Cliff used to love love love me singing this to him. And it now takes on a different meaning in loss, as many songs do.
Posted by Boo at 6:25 PM