Sunday, March 20, 2011

Take another piece of my heart

The pain remains the same. No less than when I watched him take his last breath. I've learned to incorporate much of my grief into my very being, so that I can function "normally" at work. At home, I release it. Grief tires like nothing else. It debilitates. I have spent this weekend in my PJ's not wanting to speak to or see anyone ... I need the solitude, I crave this time with him, remembering ... and with my grief. Otherwise it spills, making a mess and rendering others helpless along with myself.

Clearly I couldn't cope with scattering more of Cliff's ashes with the second firework ... not so close to his birthday. I should have realized ... but Shirley and I did release some Chinese Lanterns on the 16th. It was cathartic to write and draw on them, then release them, filled with warm air and love ... taking our messages of love and some of our pain away with them. I also felt a strong connection to Jackie and Kim as I knew they were hurting ... missing their loves on the day that they shared birthdays with Cliff on. Three men. So much love ... and pain that compelled me to light lanterns for them too. Here is Cliff's lantern from me.

My heart, upon realizing that three birthdays have passed since he did, breaks into smaller pieces still ... when I believed it could not. And I wonder ... each time I lose another piece of my heart ... does it get sent to Cliff? Does he get to hold it? Make it better and send it back to me, so that love eventually replaces pain, in that great big Cliff-shaped hole that is carved out of my heart? I like to think so. He always knew me better than I know myself, enabling him to heal me from any hurt ... why would that change? Death is the end of a corporeal life, not a relationship ... it cannot end the twinning of two souls that love each other so. So, baby, take yet another piece of my heart now. It's yours anyway. When I'm ready, send it back as love. I know that one day ... my heart will be filled with your love, my love ... us and our love ... powerful enough to fight this pain that resides there now. For love is stronger than death.

Cliff used to love love love me singing this to him. And it now takes on a different meaning in loss, as many songs do.


  1. What a wonderful idea with the Chinese Lanterns.. I need to tuck that away Boo. I loved the sentiment of pieces of your heart floating up to see Cliff.. I can envision such an exchange.. Little pieces floating to Cliff and he energizes then and sends them back so you can go on..That really clicked with me..How is it that we are able to get up and function.. your words and emotions.. even three years out makes me feel so somber.. if two loves are joined as one.. why should they ever be apart.. this is the part of the universe I do not understand.. big hugs coming to you from across the seas..

  2. it is incredible strange how the pain lingers, how the grief settles in and makes itself at home inside us. i just read a stream on the widows/widowers on Facebook where the big debate of getting on with life, of quickly finding joy so "they do not see you cry." i hate those well meant offerings to buck up when i think our spouses know how hard this is. as it would be for them were the circumstances reversed.

    i wish you rest, and warmth, and peace.

  3. thanks for being there for me both of you and for getting it. I'm just sorry you had to lose everything to be able to "get it" xx

  4. Thinking of you. Birthdays are really hard.

  5. I understand the weekends spent in PJs ... it's what has gotten me through these past 6 months. I just love your thought that those little pieces of our heart can float up to our men to hold and fill with love to send back to us. Bless you, Boo.

  6. Thanks ladies, I like to think that our soulmates do this for all of us. It kind of makes sense to me :-)