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Monday, January 10, 2011

Yesterday


Yesterday was hell.


First I felt so angry, full of bitterness about people who have abused my trust.


Stolen from me.


It hurts that they are not the people I thought they were.


That their attitude changed almost as soon as Cliff died.


That they are not men.


In fact, they don't even know what the definition of a man is.


I do.


I married one.


I have known for a long time that I have to let go of these feelings otherwise they will destroy me.


And I think I did yesterday.


For a while anyhow.


The problem was that when I let go of the negativity, the void allowed grief in once more.


I think that buying the photo albums, looking through pictures and mementos, such as our brochure from the Moulin Rouge - kept from our 1st Anniversary in Paris, and all the thinking and planning I've been doing over the weekend, on top of just getting through Christmas, NYE, his second anniversary, and being hormonal ... led to a huge outpouring. A realization of what I have lost. Forever.


But, as Cliff used to say to me, "Live and learn, Boo." I now know that I have to go through this pain to come out the other side.


And come out the other side I have. Today I'm lighter. Tired but lighter of heart.

2 comments:

  1. I'm glad you're lighter, Boo. And you have learned something important ... who you can trust and who you cannot. After Jim died someone I thought was a good friend did something horrific to me. Jim's brother reminded me: times like this bring out the worst in people .... and also the best. I was blessed to have much more of the best than the worst. I hope you were, too.
    Sending love, as always.
    :)

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  2. yeah. I think we need to realize that we do a lot, a LOT, of heavy lifting. Things others do not do. You just got through a lot of big things, in a stressful season. Gentleness, tenderness, kindness to self after such things. For me, that means a lot of naps. xo

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