Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
What a difference a day makes.
Having contact with other people.
Just being around people.
Being back at work.
Getting a hug (or two).
Seeing your counsellor for 40 minutes.
Seeing your closest girlfriend for an hour.
Keeping food in your body again.
Being told off for not reaching out for help.
Admitting your darkest thoughts to someone and them not looking at you as though you are crazy or seeking attention.
Helping someone else.
Being able to look back, analyze with a little objectivity and logic, and deduce that you've crossed another hurdle, ridden out another tsunami, that you are only human ....
that you haven't let your husband or yourself down.
Seeing the joy on a friend's face when you make a surprise visit.
Realizing that you are looking forward to seeing your friend get married.
Caring enough about your appearance to dye your hair and shave your legs, file your nails etc etc for the wedding of the year.
Accepting that you have lost some of your driving confidence, and it's okay to drive like an old lady for a few days.
Being told that you are loved.
Smiling again. Even if it's wryly.
And with all due respect to everyone, above all, being supported throughout by your widowed friends and being astounded, once again, at just how huge their hearts are.
And being given the gift of comfort, in the form of a youtube video, by one of her oldest, dearest friends, once again, on the very day that I needed to listen to it most. Anyone who has lost someone to a stroke ... please share this with them. There are no words ...
Thursday, August 26, 2010
for the past four days I have been ill. A stomach bug. It's left me dehydrated, my blood sugars squiffy. Add toothache and earache into the mix ... and you are left with a woman lying on a sofa for most of that time, crying for her dead husband, pleading with him to come home.
I revisited that deep dark place for four whole days and am just crawling out of it again. Tomorrow I'll be returning to work, thankfully - back to the anchor in my life.
I feel life seeping back into my body. The same body that felt deadened to life only hours ago.
I feel sanity seeping back into my mind. The same mind that was contemplating ending it all only a few hours ago.
Looking back, it almost feels that the woman who had those dark thoughts was someone else. But I know it wasn't. It frightens me that I was so close, so ill, so alone. It stuns me, yet again, that the line between sanity and insanity is so thin, so fragile, so near.
Three things reached through to me -
My dog's eyes
My niece's text when I was wishing my parents were still alive
My friend's words on Facebook, "don't put your wishbone where your backbone should be"
These things reached me just as I was beginning to recuperate and gave me the strength to get to the shop and buy some food.
And I find myself here, writing about it, instead of the unthinkable.
Wow, he'd have been so pissed off with me. I'm going to be okay. But I need to have a support system in place in case I get ill again ...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever...-- Isak Dinesen
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
As I set off to fly to San Diego to attend the Conference on Widowhood, I felt strangely nervous ... quesy even. It didn't help when I dropped my dogs off at kennels either because the little shits managed to break out of their cage. I was, naturally wearing white linen trousers to fly in, so asked the kennel maid to collect Fred and Barney from the car. I managed to grab Barney's lead, but Fred was off like a bat out of hell - chasing a dog and a horse around the field, whilst the kennel maids were screaming for him to come back, "Freeeeeeeeeeed." I reminded them at least 6 times that he is deaf and waited for him to look at me and waved. Over he bound, full of joy and glee, and yes, I was adorned with two dark dog paw prints for the duration of the journey which lasted 20 hours thanks to United Airlines delaying both my flights.
I finally arrived at the Marriott Marina Hotel, unpacked, stood under a hot shower, ordered "The New York Times", breakfast in bed and an alarm call, and sank into a deep deep sleep.
At 09h30 I was outside waiting for my beautiful old school friend Mel (who drove down from OC to see me for an hour). She left me feeling serene, at ease with my surroundings, confident and ready for Camp Widow.
I still had three hours to kill before the Volunteers' Meeting kicked off at 14h00, so I read the paper, drank lots of coffee to combat my jet lag and walked around the hotel and the grounds, before having a delicious lunch ON MY OWN at Roy's Hawaiian Fusion Restaurant. Wow that food is exquisite, so are the cocktails (at least the three I sampled were). The waiter asked me if I'd like dessert and I decided on a third and cocktail instead (which he recommended). Returning from the loo (restroom) I found a dessert and cocktail awaiting me. The lovely waiter winked and told me, "You CAN have your cake and eat it." How nice is that? Then I realized I was wearing my Camp Widow badge and wondered if he thought I was short of money (due to being widowed) - who knows? Who cares?
After being fed and watered I headed to the meeting and as I walked off the escalator my eyes were scanning the enormous room for my friend (and fellow blogger) Dan. We have shared our pain not to mention laughter and had some serious as well as frank discussions. I don't mind admitting that Dan is a wonderful and totally trustworthy sounding board. I was so frantically looking for him then noticed this lovely man, with the most enormous smile on his face, arms wide open, and I just stood there and hugged and hugged him for the longest time. Couldn't believe he was standing in front of me ... kept squeezing his arm or hand, just had to keep reaching out for the first few minutes. We sat at the briefing together and then went on duty. I was in charge of t-shirts and Dan was tasked with giving out gala dinner tickets etc that the 210 attendees would need.
Dan took me over to the "wall of love" - which comprised of tiles on which photos of our spouses (and words of your choice) were displayed. Dan pointed out Cliff's tile for me and I had to take a big gulp because somehow it made it so so real. I'd only just gone through the 18 month anniversary, and let me tell you, even though I accepted he was dead at 13 months, I didn't accept he wasn't ever coming home till I hit the 18 month mark. It's widow-brain. If you don't have widow-brain, I don't blame you for assuming I am mad. Sometimes I think I am. I kissed my fingers and touched the face that I long to see, then afforded Michael (Dan's husband) the same treatment :-) It just felt natural and Dan grinned. Then I had to walk away and get busy, because I could feel a big wave coming at me, and I didn't want to lose it and let the Foundation down when I'd promised I would help welcome others.
It felt good to help out and certainly made me feel more involved, more assured actually. Some people were arriving completely on their own and didn't know a single other person attending. I think that's immensely brave. I felt nervous when I left home and knew that I would be seeing blogger friends, as well as widow/ers I'd connected with on Facebook, not to mention the amazing Michele Neff Hernandez, who I am proud to consider as my role model. She is passionate, committed to helping the bereaved and when I look at her, I see hope. Hope. It's that simple. I know that Michele will always love her late husband Phil, but there's more to her story ... a new chapter has opened in her life and she is engaged to a charming Aussie. When I have been at my lowest ... when I have believed that I cannot go forward, she has inspired me, encouraged me, yet reminded me to be gentle with myself, and shown such empathy. You can't really thank someone enough for that.
After around an hour of manning the registration desk more "brown shirts" joined us and I sensed I was in the company of "veterans/alumni" - the buzz and energy was contagious, as was the laughter. Great company. Easy. Natural. I was giggling and felt kind of alive again which was wonderful.
Then I heard a smiling voice say, "I think we know those guys over there" and I ran over to hug Debbie and Susan with Dan. Hugs. More hugs. Smiles. Kisses. Hand squeezing. Emotional but in a happy way, not morose. I can't find the words to put my feelings down here. Can't. Surreal yet real. Unbelievable, yet here we all were huddled together.
Back to work, then I spotted a girl. Sparkling eyes, the biggest smile, energy on legs, a huge heart and I said, "Andrea?" She responded, "Boo?" And I just went, "arghhhhhh" and ran round to give her a huge hug. Again, it was emotional but for me, just pure joy and happiness. What a great feeling after all the darkness.
One widower approached the desk and demanded that we promise him that he wasn't the only man there.
Then a lone widow walked towards us. I could literally see her breaking inside. Really see it. Don't ask me how, but I just could. She accepted the t-shirt and all the paperwork gratefully and quietly walked away. I waited around 30 seconds then asked Dan if he thought it would be okay if I left the desk to check on her. I sat next to her uninvited and held her hand and tears were just brimming over ... we chatted for around 20 minutes then I left her smiling, feeling a little less alone for other ladies had joined us on the sofas ... and went back on duty.
I bumped into Michele and told her that was the best part of the whole shift. Sure, we welcomed everyone, but I couldn't believe that I (yes I - a novice, who still fumbles through the darkness) had made a difference to another person in so much pain. Perversely, it never sits comfortably with me that I get comfort in connecting with another person who feels the same pain as I do, but it is what it is.
Then we retired for a casual drinks reception (with mashed potato in sundae glasses - very weird but really yummy). We sat down, our little tribe ... and chatted. I felt fine one minute and then ... I zoned out completely. Jet lag. Had to get into bed. That second. So I apologized and hurried back to my room for a forbidden Marlboro Lite on the balcony before collapsing into a coma-like sleep (from 20h30 - 07h30 ... yes really). Thankfully I slept through the fireworks because they would have destroyed me. I've prepared myself to scatter Cliff's ashes via fireworks, but I wasn't ready to watch them over San Diego Bay.
I felt completely rested in the morning and went straight to Starbucks for a double macchiato, then bounced back to registration till 09h00 with Dan, before heading to the keynote address, delivered by Michele. Inspiring. Miracle of miracles - I managed not to cry! It was so powerful being in a room with 210 other widowed people. Affinity. Most were complete strangers yet I felt connected to them all - many of whom I would only smile at or hug, not even speak to, through our common bond. It was at that point that I knew that Camp Widow wasn't going to be a miserable fucking sobfest or a pity party. That said, there were tears of course, but they were dignified silent tears, the tears that just spill over a person's face, even while they were participating in workshops. No matter. Tears are so part of our lives that we find it perfectly natural. No one fusses anyone because we all know that someone fussing over you MAKES YOU COMPLETELY LOSE IT. The person sitting next to you (often a complete stranger) might hold your hand or pass a Kleenex, but that was it. We all know that wherever we are on our journey, remarried, a veteran widowed for 10 years or a newbie ... we ALL feel the same pain. It never alters. All that changes is our ability to function whilst incorporating the pain. We learn coping mechanisms. We adapt and we incorporate our loss into our very being. It becomes part of us. But the pain at 19 months is the same as it was at Day One. I've just learned to live with it some days. Not always. I was crawling out of that abyss as the airplane swooshed me over thousands of miles.
At lunch, Dan and I headed to Roy's Hawaiian Restaurant and Dan insisted on joining me in a couple of cocktails. It was beautiful there. Sunshine. Great food, even better cocktails ;-) and the best company. The conversation was natural and flowed. So much so that when I suggested we drop by to see Susan's quilt-making table/stall, horror struck us because we were 20 minutes late for our first workshop of the afternoon. We entered the lecture room and tried to sit down unnoticed at the back, but everyone turned round ... I felt very embarrassed but the speaker was completely non-plussed and just smiled. Five minutes passed and I glanced at Dan. OMG - he was rocking in his chair and his eyes were shut. Shit. My fault. Dan doesn't normally drink alcohol. I think he ran down to Starbucks to get 10 shots of espresso so that he was sober in time for the final workshop.
Back to the room for more illicit cigarettes on the balcony, a quick shower and changing into a long chinese red dress that Cliff and I bought for US$20 in Hong Kong. I felt so sad putting it on and started talking to him. "WTF am I doing at a Widow's Conference in fucking California baba? This is all fucking wrong. WTF. WTF?" After a little rant and a few tears I applied (waterproof) mascara and headed down to join everyone at the gala dinner. The food was good, the tables were dressed beautifully and everyone scrubbed up well. Within 10 minutes I'd made friends with the barmaid and she started fixing my drinks as I approached the bar for the rest of the evening. I was so proud (but very red-faced) when Cliff got a special mention, courtesy of the lovely Michele, for the $800 I raised doing a sponsored walk for the Foundation. The same Foundation that was helping us all by bringing us all together.
It was a privelege to meet the Canadian contingency and join in their banter, laughter and my favourite - the most inappropriate sick widow/er's dark humour. Nothing else hits the spot. Chelsea and Jackie are great girls - you can't help but feel joy and strength standing with them. I listened quietly when Chelsea recounted how her husband had proposed to her. I'm not going to share the story because it is hers and hers alone to share. It's a lovely romantic tale - next year you might like to ask her to share it with you too.
There are, in our elite (but not envied) circle some fairly famous, household even, names. Matt and Abby amongst others. For some odd reason I felt a bit in awe of them, which is unlike me. I mean, I'm the girl who boldly walks up to Triads and strikes up a conversation much to my late husband's chagrin and horror, frankly :-)
Susan left because her tinnitus precludes her from being able to hear a word anyone is saying, in the hubbub of a crowd. I hated that I only knew sign language for ball and sit (for my deaf dog). It made me feel a bit useless. It was nice to see people dancing and laughing. Lovely to watch Michele's parents dance together - it made me smile. I wasn't envious. I don't want anyone else's husband. I want my own. Mine. So I can happily feel warmth at seeing couples together. Why shouldn't others feel happy just because my world ended on January 6th 2009? I don't want others to imagine this pain. Why would I? That would make me one sick twisted bitch.
Then a couple of dudes made a beeline for Jackie. She's stunning looking so it's hardly a surprise. But seriously, the moron's chat-up line was, "do you like men with small dicks?" and she informed him that her husband had been 6'4" (I think, forgive me if I'm wrong) and then SHE PROCEEDED TO PICK HIM UP OFF THE GROUND, PHYSICALLY. Totally emasculated him. What a girl.