Saturday, December 18, 2010

Three Candles

This year I am not locking myself away from the world and ignoring Christmas. I had to do that last year, because I still wasn't sure if he was dead or not. This year I know he's not coming back.

This year is going to be harder.

But, I'm pleased to say that I have actually bought gifts and cards, and opening the Christmas cards that are landing on my doormat are actually not hurting me this year. Last year, each one was like a stab to the heart. I couldn't open cards, read texts, wouldn't answer the phone or the door. I sat there, day after day, stunned, broken, confused and wondering if he would somehow magically come back for Christmas or the New Year.

I'm spending the holidays with Cliff's family and my friends ... and I am looking forward to having those sleepovers, being in good company, sharing good food, and most of all taking a rest from work (because it has been manic ... causing me to work till 11 at night on a few occasions recently).

I think it's distracted me from Christmas.

In a way, I am looking at it in terms of sleepovers and visiting people, sharing a turkey dinner ... I'm not really looking at it as Christmas. I just happen to be bearing gifts. But it's not really Christmas ... because my Christmas died with my beautiful husband.

So, over this season of sleepovers I am determined to laugh and have fun. He'd be disappointed in me otherwise.

And I will admit the holidays are here briefly, on three separate occasions ... when I light a candle on Christmas Eve, on Christmas Day and on New Year's Eve. I bought these last week, ready to take with me. But only briefly. And then the silent tears will fall. They will wash away Christmas and then the season of sleepovers can resume.


  1. I'm with you there Boo. Last year I decorated the house for the kids. I put up a tree, but only with new decorations. I didn't want to see anything that reminded me of Christmases past. This year I am doing the same. At this rate I will have enough ornaments to open my own shop soon. I wasn't going to do anything this year, as the kids didn't seem to care much, but I decided to gather my parents up for a sleepover at my new home. They haven't seen it, and I thought it would be a good time for a visit.

    I think you have a good attitude about it. Enjoy friends and family, and have some quiet time thinking of Cliff. I'm going to take your lead, and go buy new candles as well.

    My love to you.


  2. The holiday season is tough--the early darkness, seeing families that are complete when yours isn't. Tomorrow would have been our 40th anniversary...that hurts...a lot. But I look forward to holiday time with my kids. And a break from work to visit museums, spend some time with friends.
    Thinking of you, TZ

  3. I took your lead, just like Dan, and I went out and bought three candles too. I'm going to bring them with me to give me a way to find time to centre myself and give me permission to be with Austin (may sound a little nutty but it's how I see it). Thanks for the inspiration.

    Love ya! Have a peaceful sleepover season. I'll be thinking of you,
    Love Deb

  4. i am glad you have loving family and friends to spend the holidays with. such a blessing when you want it. i will be thinking of you.

  5. I'm so happy for you, for this Christmas. For your plans and courage to move that small step forward. Its a long, slow process. I love the candles idea. So perfect and fitting. I think I might do that too, for my Dad. I'll tell my Mum too. Might help her. Thinking of you! Much love. x

  6. I can't imagine how difficult Christmas must be for you, Boo, and I admire you so much for grabbing it by the scruff of the neck this year and turning it into something that works for you.

    The candles idea is lovely - as Debbie says, a time when you and he can be together. Just wonderful.

    Happy Sleepovers