Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Coming home

I could feel it bubbling beneath the surface.

The wave building its colossal force.

From the moment I sat in the car to drive home.

I wondered if whilst I'd been away, Cliff and Hammer (our dog) had come home, painting the house with their magical Christmas decorations ... like bringing memories alive, vibrant ... and thus showing us three together, happy and having a magical time ... and that when they heard my car park on the drive, they'd have to remove the tree, the colours and become invisible once again. Then watch me break, unable to breath, let alone stand up once I shut the front door.

Grief will have its way. I could see those translucent faded water colours of Christmasses past through the waterfalls of tears that fell, only adding to the tsunami's volume.

My heart keeps breaking. Over and over again.

We used to love sitting in the dark, mesmerized by the lit Xmas tree, content together, feeling the magic, feeling love. Taking time to remember the simple things.

I sit in the darkness alone now and I can't find his light in the darkness. I know it's there but the darkness is crushing his light. I light candles to symbolize his light. But the brightest star pales next to him. Why can't I see it?


  1. Oh Boo,

    Heartbreaking and beautiful post. As I read what you wrote about Cliff and Hammer, I could see Austin and our old dog Caeleigh doing the same thing in our house while we were away. Coming home is so difficult. I wonder if it will ever get easier? Wishing you peace today

    Love Deb

  2. Good to know I'm not the only one being pulled under this holiday season. I did have a good time with my folks, but had an intense level of sadness as I navigated the day.

    You express yourself so beautifully here. The beauty of your words testify to the beauty of the love you shared with Cliff. You must have rocked his world!

    Love you Boo!


  3. Dearest Boo - just standing with you = standing by your side, my sister. Sending light into the darkness and across the miles between.

    PS I have something I want to send to you - can you please post your address on facebook or email me.