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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Over ... till the next one


It's hard to forget the date my beautiful Mom died, because she died from a stroke on November 22nd.

The same date that JFK died.

Albeit years apart.

I was 29 so that means she's been gone for 17 years.

Today I kept my head down and worked solidly and quietly (for me) from 08h00 till 18h00. Then went to Tesco ... had another cry before heading home ... and kept busy some more.

But you can't escape it, can you?

I didn't sleep at all last night and left home at 07h00 - it was still dark!! I don't normally wake up till 07h00. I'm tired physically yet my brain won't power down.

Off for a shower, then I might be a real hussy and take a vodka and book (and dogs) to bed.

I need a break from these bloody dates.

The only months that don't bring a significant date are:

April
June
August

that sucks!

I didn't really grieve for my Mom till I was with Cliff. Beforehand - in my previous relationship I couldn't let go, show weakness or lose it.

My beautiful strong husband healed me.

And today ... it sounds dreadful ... but it's true. I still miss others - mainly my parents, immensely. To lose anyone is devastating, especially family.

But losing everyone else, looking back, compared to this ... it seems like CHICKEN FEED in comparison. I know you shouldn't compare one loss against another. But it's hard not to today.

I love my Mom so so much. I was privileged to have her. I mean that. All my friends loved her too. We were all devastated - the whole family and many friends.

But he was my world, my heart, my soulmate. My compass and best friend. My lover. My future. All I ever wanted and dreamed of. My life. My raison d'ĂȘtre. I was with him every day.

Then not.

4 comments:

  1. Love and hugs to you, Boo. I think snuggling into bed with a good book and vodka sounds like a great idea. Hope you're having a good sleep right now.

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  2. thinking of you. my mother died when i was 20, my father when i was 28. some things you just cannot get past. i sometimes find myself still wishing i could ask them some things, worry about what they would think of me.

    i hope you are sleeping, truly resting. i am sorry for all the pain in your world. i wish you peace.

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  3. My thoughts go out to you. My mother died on November 22, six years ago. She was 100. My husband was in the hospital, in isolation; my sister was living half way across the country so I had to go through it myself and make the arrangements and carry on until my sister arrived. When I think back, it's such a fog. Anyway, I hope you sleep well and know your friends in cyberspace are with you.

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  4. thank you my lovely ladies ... it is a gift to express my feelings uncensored here and just be met with a reply that you totally "get it". Of course you do - I know that - because you are walking this arduous painful journey beside me ... yet I still don't take it for granted, it is so precious to me, and the love with which you all write <3 xx

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