Tuesday, November 16, 2010

On the edge

My boiler decided to turn itself off during the night.

On the coldest night of the year so far.

So the shower turned cold as I applied shampoo.

Then we got stuck in a traffic jam for an hour.

I could feel myself starting to feel panicky and insecure.

It doesn't take a lot these days.

I fucking hate asking for help.

So I haven't.

So I'm really cold.

I tried turning on the heating and water but it wouldn't light, at which point I started crying.

Then i screamed at Cliff, went hysterical and shouted at him more.

Why the fuck did you leave me here? I fucking HATE you for leaving me.

How could I have said that to him?

I said I was sorry but I feel devastated for saying it. I didn't mean it baba. I an still inconsolable shedding big fat hot tears of heartbreak.

I don't want to ask for help.

I want my beautiful husband back.

He should be here to fix it

So I'm sitting here ... stubborn ... Wrapped in two blankets.

I can take stubborn to a new level.

When my washing machine broke it took me a month to aak for help. I rediscovered so many clothes. I bought new ones. I handwashed.

But in the end I had to give in

so. Tomorrow. I will ask.

Stupid bitch.


I miss you baba.


  1. i'm glad you going to ask. i don't ask because i'm afraid i'll get into trouble for something. i sat in an apartment for a solid month this summer where the temps got up into the 90's in the apartment. but i had asked for them to fix it, i just had to wait on the part and then they got busy and i did not push, or ask. i just sat and got so hot each day that i felt faint. but i'm not stubborn, just timid. i did not want to cause trouble, so i suffered. it was my daughter who realized i was still waiting on them to come fix my air conditioner.

    i understand about wanting your husband's help. i understand about wanting someone to stand up beside you, or in front of you. it's so tiring having things go wrong and knowing there is no one to turn to. so very tiring. but you have to ask. you have to have heat.

    i wish you peace, and heat.

  2. Hugs to you, Boo. I get it. I've yelled that same thing when I've been at the end of my rope. They know we don't mean it.

    It is so difficult to ask for help but I think that people honestly don't mind helping. People generally like to help but asking is tough. I hate it. And I'd rather go cold than ask for help too. How crazy is that?

    I hope you get your boiler relit tomorrow and you get warm. Let's try to not feel bad when we have to ask for help. Neither of us would mind helping anyone who needed us; I'm betting the people we need to ask for help once in a while feel the same way.

    Take care and stay warm.
    Love Deb

  3. what the hell would I do without you guys?

    Just to be reassured and know that you understand MAKES A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE.

    I thank you and love you.

    Here's to a brighter day today, oh and heating at home this evening. I. WILL. ASK.


  4. I've become ultra-stubborn as well (though matt would be in hysterics at that... that I've recently "become" stubborn). I've had my application for heating assistance for a month now. All it takes is two or three phone calls to make it happen. But I don't want this life, so I refuse. We are supposed to be living somewhere warm right now. Or, we are still supposed to be a two income family and not need heating assistance. At any rate, this is not the Correct Life, and I refuse to do anything at all until it changes back to the Right One.


  5. Be gentle with yourself dear Boo. You need to be warm and you need to be able to get as angry as you need to get and not feel guilty, we have all been there - screaming at the sky and wanting them there to fix it NOW - sending you warmth across the miles and hoping the heat is on soon -- wish I were there to hug and cry with, suzann

  6. thanks Suzann, it makes me feel less bad for saying what I said x

    Megan - that's the point isn't it ... we hate to ask for help because it is a public admission to the universe that they are really gone ...