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Friday, November 12, 2010

Mind over matter


Since my car accident, it has felt as though my car’s steering/hold on the road has been deteriorating slowly.

It’s made me feel like I can’t trust the car.

I’ve been so tense driving it that my shoulders and upper arms hurt afterwards.

My friend’s husband checked and slightly adjusted the tyre pressure for me, to no avail.

I actually drove at 50 on the motorway (a first for me).

So … I arranged for BMW to come collect the car to fix it.

Steve at the Body Shop (who helped me before) rang me at work yesterday to let me know that they have had the car on the ramp, they’ve attached it to its mother-ship computer, they took it for a test drive at 80 on the motorway and … THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.

He then arranged for me to take it for a test drive (with him in the passenger seat) on the motorway, and gently said, “I wouldn’t give you back a car that wasn’t right, you know.”

What a nice guy.

I nearly started crying.

I thought I wasn’t affected by the accident. Really. But this issue is clearly all in my head.

My mind is making me tense up whilst driving, which is translating to the wheel and the car. I’m not driving normally. It’s not the car.

I guess it’s another effect of not having the luxury of Cliff being here to reassure me. When he was here, my confidence wouldn’t have taken the knock it has.

But my biggest learning is that I am suppressing my emotions and reactions to things, aren’t I. I mean … I walked away from that accident without a scratch. I thought I’d walked away without any harm to my psyche too … but it would appear that I didn’t.

I miss you baba.

4 comments:

  1. what a nice gentleman to go on the test drive with you to reassure you. so many would not.

    being in any accident is frightening and i believe the effects last if you cannot go cry on someone's shoulder, if you do not have them there to back you up, to oversee the repairs, all the things a wife leans on her husband for. i know it made you miss him more. i wish it were not so, but it is a testament to the relationship you two had {have} and how much you miss him. it is not a step back. it is merely another revelation to what you and Cliff shared.

    i wish you peace.

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  2. replace the words "car accident" with "death," and "car" with "mind" in those first two sentences, and there we have it. There I have it - my mind's hold on the road is deteriorating; I can't trust my mind.
    So many things that would have been challenging but surmountable, easily cleared with the love and good natured teasing - all now just more sharp massive boulders. Crappy. Can't make it better, but I hear you. xo

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  3. I'm sorry that you're still having to deal with after affects of the accident. I think that our souls are so much more tender now and can be more easily hurt than before. Without our husbands here to support us, love us and take care of things that they just would have, we are so much more vulnerable. I hope that your test drive with the mechanic helps to rebuild your confidence. Love you!

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  4. Hi all

    I drove the car down the coast and back yesterday and it was 100% fine :-)

    Amazing how your subconscious can make you feel and react differently, whilst believing it. Wow.

    Yes, S it is testament to "us". oh how I miss him.

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