Sunday, October 10, 2010

Our friend's girlfriend is now my friend

As I swung into her street, I saw her gardening.

She was miles away ... in her la-la land ... a remarkably similar place to the one where I used to reside, and seem to be visiting more frequently lately, much to my astonishment.

I lower my window and say, "Alright, darlin'?", pretending I'm a lecherous bloke, much to her amusement, park ... and we head indoors to put the kettle on.

She looks at me and asks, "are you okay sweetheart, why are your eyes all puffy?" ... and I tell her that I had been bawling the night before (at Cliff's brother's house) because after too much alcohol ... everyone started arguing about jack shit, shouting and screaming ... even getting physical ... and it just really really affected me. I didn't like seeing them like that - divided and ugly. It was ugly. Unnecessary. Horrible. The vodka making them talk shit and acting out.

I told her that in the end, I was so upset that I was on the verge of calling one of Cliff's friend's to come pick me up. That scared them into scrapping outside (out of my view).

I walked up to them all and shouted, "haven't any of you ... not fucking one of you learned ANYTHING from Cliff's death? Life is too short. This is bollocks. Please just stop it."

But they were fuelled by earlier ugly words, adrenalin was flowing ... along with the vodka in their veins, and you know, suddenly everyone thinks they're fuckin' Superman.

Cliff's youngest brother, however, hung his head low, and went quiet ... his body language completely changing. He couldn't look at me standing there sobbing. And he left.

Pathetic. I was upset, angry and just wanted to call Lloyd or someone to come get me. You know, just wanted him to walk in, ignore everyone, and just pick me up like a 3 year old ... and take me out of there.

I'm not used to the shouting, losing control thing.

I hate that.

It makes me flashback to an ex ... and his drinking Jeckyll and Hyde persona, and his shouting ... and the violence. I don't like the feeling and I don't react well to it. At all.

For the record, I did live with fuckin Superman. And he'd have laughed at their antics. It was like a bitch fight. Pathetic. Lucky none of them know how to fight like he did, otherwise it would have been a trip to ER and a police visit.

I'm just not used to it.

Cliff could hold his drink. I can hold my drink. And if I do get squiffy, I'll just entertain people dancing, being silly, laughing.

I got so upset that I went into escape mode ... holding my mobile in my hand ... ducking and weaving out of their grasp - their attempts to comfort me ... keeping my eye on all exits ... and then I picked up the dog bed and took their dog with me into the guest room. There I was like a child, cuddling the dog and booing ... and nearly got to sleep when the door opened and I was shaken awake. "you've got to sort them out ... they're kicking off again," pleads Cliff's nephew's best friend.

Up I get, still fully dressed ... and I laugh at them. "you're bringing it on ... intentionally ... cut it out NOW," I ask.

They don't. And I just want my husband. Because they would have listened to him.

Then his nephew sees how distraught I am and apologizes. Straightens out. Demands that everyone is civilized. Screams that I am inconsolable. And I am.

Now they're all playing nicely I decide to have another drink and put some tunes on. No more consideration from me. I select sounds that I love. Trance. Banging house. Fuck you. And I start dancing. I'm not even drunk. But I am fuckin pissed off.

Dancing in my la-la land. I can't hear you. Lalalalalalalalalala. Hands try to hold me and dance with me. But I'm cage dancing. Fuck you. Can't touch me.

And Cliff's nephew stands close, just watching me, concerned. I grin at him ... and he opens his arms and I step in a bit closer and he picks me up, like the 3 year old that I am ... dancing with me ... rock a bye baby lalalalalala. Then I realize he's flashing my arse at everyone and tell him, and he practically drops me.

I eventually go to bed at 08h00 and don't wake up till 14h00. I didn't get shit-faced, just a bit squiffy, but I do have the hangover from hell. After some toast and a shower, followed by 6 cups of tea I leave and head out to see our friend's girlfriend.

"FFS," says Shirley when I finish telling her why my eyes are puffy.

I start to unwind finally. Another tea and more Marlboro Lites. And she puts some video footage of Roy on the PC. He's not home again until the end of November and she's missing him. Lots. Big style.

Hearing his voice, hearing him laugh ... completes the downtime process. It's like he's there. Not on the monitor.

She moves to turn it off and I ask her not to. Doesn't batter an eyelid. She knows how close Roy is to us.

A ten minute visit turned into 3 hours, which were spent telling each other stories about Roy, Cliff, us and them. Taking turns. Funny stories. Serious shit.

And I realize that her ethics, standards, morals are matched to my own.

That her relationship with Roy is almost identical to the way Cliff and I were.

We share some deep dark stuff, knowing that our fears, thoughts and feelings are safe in each other's keeping.

I learn that she was widowed when she was 35, and she also lost her grand-daughter at the age of 4. I feel as though I've known her my whole life. She's a genuine, trusting, honest, up front woman. She is so in love with Roy, and he is her.

I've never seen Roy like this before. And I remember ... those same words being uttered about Cliff many moons ago. I love it. I love that our friend has finally found his soulmate - true love. The closeness that no one can drive apart, try as they might.

And I tell her. We both agree that we know it's precious. A rare thing. Something that people can spend a lifetime searching for ... and not find.

We both did. We're both lucky. Widowed or not.

And not only that, she's no longer my friend's girlfriend. She's now my friend.


  1. I'm sorry about your tough night but I'm glad that out of the ashes of the night you have connected with a "new" friend. Those who understand the deep, private stuff of our lives are so precious. May this new friendship be a soothing balm for your weary soul. Love you!

  2. "squiffy?"

    Sorry you were witness to such horrible behavior. The sad this is, we are all vulnerable to it. Either we become part of it, or we become affected by it.

    Your new friend is further proof that there are people out there like us. We only have to open ourselves up to find them. I think new love will be the same way.


    Love you Boo.

  3. squiffy = tipsy

    It's because I love them that I got so upset. Fine now :-)

    Love you two tons xx

  4. What an awful evening. I feel for you. These days I can't just bear discord between people - particularly people who are supposed to care for one another. I can cope with people being loving towards one another now, but bickering, sniping at one another, scoring points really upset me - so I can't imagine how dreadful it would be to watch people physically fighting.

    But I am glad you have found a new friend as a result.


  5. it was just the booze ... and I think I overreacted a little ... but what can I say? I am emotional these days LOL

    I hate it too, and see it as a waste of energy and love and precious time xx