Sunday, October 31, 2010

A little taste of Cliff

I saw Roy and Shirley on Friday evening. It was so damn good to see Roy ... it's been too long. I gave him a second hug and told him, "oh it's so good to see you. You've given me a little taste of my Cliffy."

It was wonderful. And such a contrast to the last time I saw him ... then we looked like we were both gurning. You know that thing your mouth does when you're trying hard not to cry. This time we talked and laughed, even if I kept talking about Cliff, it was with a smile on my face.

And I loved seeing Shirley again. I'm completely at ease with her. It's almost as though there are four of us in the room. Perhaps there was.

Afterwards I went to see Vicki (my usual Friday night routine) and she observed the spring in my step, instantly understanding the positive effect seeing our old friend had had on me.

But then. I had to return home alone. The spring in my step disappeared. And I was inconsolable. I've slept on the sofa all weekend

Another high followed by an extreme low.

But I won't ever stop seeing people or doing things that give me happiness. No way. That would be pathetic of me. Besides, just like him, my beautiful strong husband who gave me the best days of my life, they too are worth any pain that follows.

I think that the clocks going back last night didn't help either. They mark the calendar and announce the imminent arrival of winter, fireworks/Bonfire Night, Christmas, NYE, 2011 and in two months - the second deathiversary.

I have to have a plan for the holiday season. I have to decide where to spend Christmas and NYE. And I can't decide. Not yet.

Just thinking about it makes me nauseous.

1 comment:

  1. Boo - come visit me for the holiday - Minnesota - cold as hell outside but warm inside and filled with love and sisterhood. Sending love and hugs across the miles between. Suzann