Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Killing me softly

I haven't been looking after myself very well recently.

Because I've been struggling with this acceptance crap.

I've been very low.

So I ... in a subconscious and warped way ... kind of figured that I could die "softly" from diabetes.

It wouldn't be suicide because it was happening to me (yeah, right ... I realize now that that is a crock of shit).

So I didn't really care if I ate chocolate or not.

Didn't measure my blood sugars for 3 whole months.

Maybe longer.

Maybe since Australia.

Then I saw this guy on the news talking about his diabetes. He was blind and they had to amputate his foot.

Shit, that woke me up.

I don't mind dying, but I sure don't want them hacking pieces off my body, and I especially don't want to go blind.

I'm looking after myself now.

Cliff would be furious with me too, and as you all know, I don't do stuff that makes him furious because it breaks my heart if I think I am upsetting him.

He is my motivation.

(and keeping my feet and eyesight ;-)


  1. please take care of yourself. you have so many friends and family who need your smile and laugh as much as they need air. and your dogs. whose face would they stick theirs into? woof woof.

  2. Grief can play such terrible tricks on our minds. I'm glad you've gotten the "wake-up call" and are on the road to better health.

  3. Boo! Please take care of yourself!

    Do I have to fly over there to set you straight?

  4. I'm good. I just wanted to admit the negative thoughts, you know?

    I'm looking after myself now and to be honest, only just realized that was what was going on in my (subconscious) mind for a while there!

    SSSF - great to hear from you again :-) I think you summed it up beautifully. This beast tricks us into all kinds of thoughts, feelings and irrational stuff ... and sometimes harmful even.

    At least I've come through the other side and can see it now :-)

    Love you guys, xx

    p.s. Dan you don't have to come over, but it would be nice ;-)

  5. Ditto to all the comments above! Glad you're taking care of yourself again. This world wouldn't be the same without you. Road trip to Boo's house, that sounds awesome! As soon as I win the lottery, I'm in!!!!!

  6. When the house is finished I think you all should.

    It's stunning that grief can make you do stuff without knowing that you are. You don't choose, you get a bit lost and confused and your points of reference are lost, so I guess it's hardly surprising.

    I am fine really, honestly. I just wrote about it because I finally realized what was driving my lack of interest in controlling my diabetes. Now with lucidity ;-) and just reading the post makes me think ... what the hell were you thinking? I wasn't thinking. Just feeling :-(

  7. I have found that it takes a lot sometimes for us to take care of ourselves (mentally, physically and emotionally), almost like another job on top of all the stuff I have to do alone. Your post has challenged me to try harder in this area which is the first thing I neglect when the going gets tough. I just read a horrible statistic that said widows look two years older than they are just from being widowed! So I think we should all make a vow to not only try and improve our physical health but our looks too. We so deserve it!

  8. I reread my comment and hope it didn't come out wrong. What I was trying to say is that I think we all deserve some beauty pampering too - not that we have to become prettier or more attractive than we already are. Our looks deserve some attention too - we shouldn't neglect ourselves in any area.

  9. WitM - oh yes, I have visibly aged phenominally since Cliff died. Sometimes I am so shocked to see myself in photos taken since I lost him.

    ... and I didn't misread your first comment at all x

  10. Oh sweetie, I am glad you are looking after yourself. Just think how unbalanced you would be with only one foot!
    Seriously though, you know Cliff wouldn't want you to become ill, and you don't want to worry all your clucky widow friends, do you?

    "When the house is finished...."
    Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
    Or is your builder a bit more reliable than mine? :D

  11. LOL

    yep LOL

    I must call you soon J xx