Thursday, September 2, 2010

Tummy like washing machine

It's the anticipation of lighting the fuse on that firework.

It's appropriate that I light it, right?

But if I think I'm going to crumble, I can ask Marcus to do it, can't I?

That would be entirely appropriate too, right?

But what if he thinks he's going to crumble?



  1. It took me a minute, but I got FFS, JFDI! And in my opinion, do whatever you need to do. When we spread most of Austin's ashes into the ocean last summer, I was so nervous about it ahead of time but when the time came I was almost happy that I was setting him free, in a weird sort of way. I remember thinking that I should have planned something much more serious to say at the moment we "dumped" his ashes into the ocean but I just felt a release and I told him to be free and at peace 'cause we were going to be ok. It was strange, and I remember thinking I should be crying or something. Whatever you feel and whatever works for you is the right thing, 'cause Cliff will be guiding you and cheering you on. Please let us know when exactly you'll be setting off the first fire cracker so I can think of you here and toast you and Cliff. Love to you.

  2. darlin', whatever is true for you IS appropriate. Anything at all. Lighting it, not lighting it, telling someone else to light it, then bashing their hand away at the last second so you can light it, scrapping the whole deal in favor of something else - anything at all.

  3. you have a lovely soul. when you get there, when the moment is upon you, you will know what you need to do. you will know what is right for you. an that is all Cliff is looking for. he wants you to be happy and at peace. listen to your heart. whatever it says will be right. peace and love.

  4. I'm with Megan.

    Sometimes when I can't figure stuff out, I try to imagine what his reaction to things would be. That helps.

  5. Hey Boo. I know that from what you have shared with me, Cliff would likely not allow you near the match or the firework. He would try to keep you safe, and want you to enjoy the results.

    Now, given that you are in this situation, he would also just as likely say to you, 'for fuck sake, just fuckin do it!

    Was that sensitive enough?

    I love you. Dan

  6. How do I follow Dan?!
    I guess by saying what everyone else has said, and what you really know, deep down in your heart.
    Do what feels right for you. Not for anybody else. Just you.
    The anxiety before is always worse than the actual event. I felt that before spreading Jim's ashes, but the act of doing it was very freeing .... and hilarious as only my kids could have made it.
    Love to you, Boo.

  7. Reading the messages was a real rollercoaster ... I went from gulping down a big lump in my throat, to tears, to real laughter and feel so lucky to have you all in my life.

    Today I feel ready. I feel trepidation, but also excitement at seeing all his (our) friends and I will not let him down. I am his wife after all xxxx