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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A tsunami


A wave similar to this one hit me last night, leaving me exhausted today. I think that the firework's effect finally hit me.
I don't know how my body can produce so many tears. I feel as though I have cried an ocean of them.
And I know that I still have an ocean of tears left inside of me.
J in Wales wrote a post today that I really think hits the nail on the head.
It feels as though I am a little ship, navigating its way through waters. Sometimes I drop my anchor and hop onto other boats for company. Sometimes I navigate through calm waters. Sometimes I get engulfed by a big mo-fo tsunami. But I never get to harbour anymore (well I did get to harbour with his friends on Friday evening and that was so healing, but that was a one-off). I never dry-dock.
It's relentless.
It's tiring.
It's not tenable forever.
Forever is such a big word.

10 comments:

  1. It blows my mind how I can read other widows words and feel like I could have written them myself, maybe not so eloquently, but you know what I mean (lol). The exhaustion always hits me after "tsunami" nights too, I spend the next whole day sleeping, I usually call it a day in the hole... that deep dark hole... *sigh*

    Big hugs and virtual widow love
    xx

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  2. "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)" ~ e. e. cummings. i know people use this to speak to their grief of the one they lost, but i think it can apply to those who grieve, who reach out for a hand from someone, anyone who understands. so, i understand these feelings and i am reaching out my hand.

    peace

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  3. HUGS and lots of love to my Boo!!!! I know all too well what these nights/days are like. But, I'm glad that you got to do the fireworks, and spend time with Cliff's friends. It's a huge event!!!! Love you Boo!!!!

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  4. I love your analogy for life now. I want to find a safe harbour again but I don't see how that's possible without him. And it is so damn exhausting, living this life without him. Sending you big hugs and lots of love from here,
    Deb

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  5. Forever is way far too long. And all these water images, even when I find myself using them - a double slam, being what they are. But to stick with the water, I feel like all of us are one big flotilla. I want to go home. I want safe harbor, dry dock, relief that is real, refuge. Feels like a very long life sentence with no possibility for parole, for what was certainly not any crime.

    Love, from this side of said flotilla.

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  6. thanks everyone for reaching out to me today, it's been a tough one, tears at my desk twice today. The sun will rise again tomorrow x

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  7. Yeah. Blogging at work does lead to soggy paperwork, doesn't it. Cliff's blue stars set me off like nobody's business!

    Your boat analogy is absolutely perfect. I am finding that aimless bobbing just outside the harbour utterly exhausting right now. If someone could tell me that in 6 - 12 - 18 months, 5 years or whatever this feeling would stop and I could then feel truly at peace I would be content. It is the not knowing that is so hard.

    Bobbing aimlessly in mid-Wales
    Jxxx

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  8. J - I remember Cliff's viking boat at the end of the Eulogy set you off too :-)

    I can't believe how exhausting this is!

    Love Boo xxx

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  9. This is a tough one. Part of us really wants to get through this, and not get engulfed in so much pain. Then the other part of us wants to hang on to it. I think that is why these tsunami's hit, because the pressure builds up from days of trying to hold it back. I don't really know what the answer is for me, so I can't know what the answer will be for you.

    Just know you are loved, and you are certainly not alone. When that big waves starts thrashing you around keep in mind that the rest of us are likely being thrown about with you.

    Love. Dan

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  10. Thanks Dan, that is so true that we are all in this together. There is no answer or quick fix and I think I have accepted that now ... he is worth it :-)

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