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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Prison


I am beginning to think that I got the raw end of the deal. I never thought I'd say this at the beginning, but it is actually worse for me. He's free. I'm left with all the pain and alone.


But then, I wonder ... is he in pain because I am, does he worry about me? Does he sit alone on the sidelines cheering me on?


Am I endangering him in some way because I'm not moving on?


My friend and I have both had very vivid dreams about Cliff being trapped in some kind of prison. Is there some significance there?


I've got to pull myself out of this hole, just in case I'm hurting him.


The thought of hurting him kills me.


C'mon Boo, you can do this.

9 comments:

  1. Only great love can make the person who is already great, greater.

    Love you Boo.

    I believe in the power of you and Cliff.

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  2. I CAN do this ... for him and him alone :-)

    Love you Lotter x

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  3. In our case we knew he was going to die, so he was able to tell me what he wanted of me during this time. He wanted me to properly mourn him, but also to open up my heart to all that life still had out here for me. At times I too get angry with him, thinking how easy it was for him to say, he's not the one left to actually get through this. In the past when I was angry, or frustrated, I certainly wanted Michael to know that I was. He had a great way of calming me. Now that he is gone I am left to do this on my own. I'd like to think he is aware of what I go through, and that he smiles and sends me his love. I also do not want to think of him spending his eternity worried about my happiness, but maybe they have a different knowing than we do. Maybe they can see further into the future than we do, so they see the sun rising where we don't.

    Love you

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  4. I agree with dan. I can't say that it is easy for Matt wherever he finds himself now, and my guess it is hard to see me/us in pain. But I bet that comes with a vastly different perspective.

    I get so tired of "spiritual" literature saying that our grieving holds anyone back, that my pain prevents him from progressing on his path. Seriously - I am not that powerful. My emotions are not holding anyone back. The way I look at it, I am being honest and true with myself, and that is what is appropriate. Pretending I am more okay with this than I am, so that I am not hurting matt, does not make any sense to me. Putting a platitude over it would be a lie. I think, if matt is matt at all still (and I need to believe he is), he knows how much this sucks for me. He knows I got the harder road, at least from here. He would want me to not lose my core, and he understands it sustained heavy damage in this blow.

    I know, for me, there are some things that only increase my rage, and some things that increase my knowledge of our connection, and my own core. Trying to lean more towards those things, so my love can reach him, and his me, that works a lot more for me than thinking I am harming him somehow. Leaning towards a clearer channel.

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  5. I'd like to think he is aware of what I go through, and that he smiles and sends me his love. I also do not want to think of him spending his eternity worried about my happiness, but maybe they have a different knowing than we do. Maybe they can see further into the future than we do, so they see the sun rising where we don't.

    Dan those were the exact words that I needed to read today, thank you so much. I love you too xxx

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  6. Megan, thanks so much. I haven't got this feeling from reading any spiritual literature, it's more a feeling or a fear that is innate in me. It's more a case of knowing just how powerfully he loved me rather than the other way around, but I like your perpective too ... when we all share stuff like this ... it helps us all to get things a bit more balanced in our minds :-)

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  7. You can do it!! Even though some days seem very long and painful, think about how far you've come. Love you!

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  8. Boo, not only can you do this, but you already ARE doing this the best way anyone can...one honest day at a time. Some days may be awful, while others are glorious, but each one you make it through is one more day that you did it. You didn't let grief rob you of the chance for joy. Hang on girl, you have a whole cheerleading squad calling your name...Boo, Boo, Boo, Boo, Boo!!! xo

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  9. Debs and Michele, thanks both so much. I CAN do it. I've got to do it and I shan't let him down :-)

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