Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I've got to stop doing this because it's not very nice

WTF is wrong with me?

I look at random men and feel utter contempt for them.

Because they are not him.

It only seems to be when I am looking at the back of them.


They all look so small and pathetic compared to him ... his physique.

And yet they seem so up themselves that I have to fight not to burst out laughing.

"Hahahahahahaha" I want to laugh right in their faces. "You're not a fucking man. You don't even know what the definition of a man IS." " I married a MAN."

That's what I want to say, but of course, I shan't.

And it's only strangers that affect me in this way. Men that I know, our families, our friends, my colleagues - are all spared my wrath.

But I find myself in a queue for coffee, or at the supermarket, walking my dog, whatever ... and BANG ... off I go with this negativity.

I hate it.

I don't like myself for doing it.

It's nasty, it's unnecessary and I've got to stop it because it's not very nice.


  1. Just think of the trail of devastation you could leave in the supermarket if you actually told them what you were thinking!!!

    I know what you mean though. Sometimes I feel absolutely desperate to have someone again, but when I look around at the available men they don't even come close to living up to the one I lost. Which means that I can go scuttling back into my safe cocoon of grief and aloneness and not have to emerge again for another few weeks.
    Perhaps one day I will emerge and see someone who doesn't trigger that reaction. Who knows. But for now looking and dismissing from a distance works for me.

  2. J, thanks for making me feel less weird about myself. It's really been bothering me.

    Am I emerging from my cocoon of grief, just a little bit? ... and noticing the world around me a bit more? I've noticed that I've started watching the news again ... for the first time since he died. Perhaps

  3. I think you must be sticking your head out a little. Which is probably a good thing. I think I have been stuck in this phase for quite a while - I feel safe with it, but have no desire yet to come out any further. Or perhaps I am not brave enough. But that is OK too, I guess.

  4. I do a very similar thing, though my wrath and disgust is aimed at a sadly wider swath of humans. But the men, yes - so gross. So not anywhere close to my love, in any way shape or form. Matt and I were both Watchers, watching the details of peoples movements and interactions, just noticing stuff. Oh I miss that so much. Now it is just watching people, plus judgment. Not pleasant, and then I also get that "oh, must stop this horrible behavior!" thing too.
    As far as sticking one's head out - I have such a low tolerance for public spaces. I can be okay, and then So Not Okay, with pretty much no lead up at all. Such a rough place, feeling almost bored at home, but not wanting to be anywhere else.

  5. Yes J I think I am sticking my head out a little. And I think it's a good thing, so long as we know how far to go without pushing ourselves over the edge :-)

    M - thanks for your comment too ... I was wondering if I was alone in doing this, and I'm not, which is a relief. That said, it's not very nice for us is it? It makes me feel bad, but I guess it is what it is.

  6. I know - all that meanness going on in my head, contributing to the world, even silently. I tell myself, well, I am still, so far, able to not verbally Actually lash out at anyone, so there is that. For the rest, I'm trying to just tell myself, well, notice it when it happens, and move on. From that, I mean.

  7. I sure get this! No one can compare to my love and I do find myself comparing all males who I don't know personally to him. I have a feeling it's going to be a long, lonely life because I won't settle for less. But popping my head out of the ground and looking around sure brings me some needed fresh air!

  8. LOL, yes it does. It's interesting that it's only people we don't know that we do this with, and for me, I wonder if it's the back view of these male strangers because Cliff had such broad shoulders... who knows?

    Again, it's good to know I'm not alone in this Deb xx

  9. I know exactly what you mean though.