Monday, August 30, 2010

Sherpas and Base Camp

Today is the last Bank Holiday of the year in the UK.

These are tough days for me, even tougher than your average Sunday.

The days are gradually shortening and winter is around the corner. Another season to face without him. For some reason the thought of that makes me miss him more keenly. I can feel it more. The loss is clearer and crisper. It hurts.

It hurts physically, as well as mentally. In my heart. Deep in my heart. The heart that is as deep as a canyon these days.

My heavy heart.

Carrying it saps all my energy and takes up all my time.

It's consuming me. Overwhelming. This is such a hard battle, every single fucking day.

I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of this.

Enough already.

I know where I am on the rock face now. I'm at Base Camp and looking up at fucking Everest. And I've got to carry my heavy heart up that sheer lump of granite. Without my Sherpa. Withough my Guide. My North Star. My world. My heart.
I know that I have got to Base Camp. That took me 18 months. It's a feat accomplished that I didn't believe I was capable of in the earliest days. But I also know that somewhere between Base Camp and Camp 1, I am going to have to accept the concept of "gone" and "dead" and "forever". Acceptance. It terrifies me.

I want my Sherpa back.
My Sherpa carried my heart and made it light.
I want my Sherpa back.


  1. stupid base camp on a mountain you shouldn't even have to be on.

    To butcher and co-opt something I read on another blog today, Faith isn't "not being given more than you can handle," it is being given impossibly overwhelming things that you could not possibly handle on your own, and trusting that you are loved and helped to carry them.

  2. Great analogy for this journey, Boo. I want my Sherpa back too. I cannot even imagine making it to the summit, but at least I don't feel like I'm climbing all by myself. I look over and there you are, thank God! Going home from this long first day and will touch base with you on FB.

    Love Deb

  3. (Hugs.)

    This is an insomnic comment. I'm up for that very reason. I miss him. I want him back.

    If only life had a rewind button. Rewind. Start over. Different track. Not that "death mistake" track. Yeah, please not that one...

  4. You'll make it to the summit Boo, and you'll enjoy all the beauty that comes with it. Cliff is never away from you. He's there with every breath that you take. He'll lift you, push you, and wrap his arms around you when you tumble. Just breath, move at your own pace, and know that you have tons of love around you!! Hugs dear friend!!! LOVE YOU!