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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Say it how it is

OK, confession time ...

for the past four days I have been ill. A stomach bug. It's left me dehydrated, my blood sugars squiffy. Add toothache and earache into the mix ... and you are left with a woman lying on a sofa for most of that time, crying for her dead husband, pleading with him to come home.

I revisited that deep dark place for four whole days and am just crawling out of it again. Tomorrow I'll be returning to work, thankfully - back to the anchor in my life.

I feel life seeping back into my body. The same body that felt deadened to life only hours ago.

I feel sanity seeping back into my mind. The same mind that was contemplating ending it all only a few hours ago.

Looking back, it almost feels that the woman who had those dark thoughts was someone else. But I know it wasn't. It frightens me that I was so close, so ill, so alone. It stuns me, yet again, that the line between sanity and insanity is so thin, so fragile, so near.

Three things reached through to me -

My dog's eyes
My niece's text when I was wishing my parents were still alive
My friend's words on Facebook, "don't put your wishbone where your backbone should be"

These things reached me just as I was beginning to recuperate and gave me the strength to get to the shop and buy some food.

And I find myself here, writing about it, instead of the unthinkable.

Wow, he'd have been so pissed off with me. I'm going to be okay. But I need to have a support system in place in case I get ill again ...

8 comments:

  1. "the line between insanity and sanity is so thin" - totally. And given that we're in an unreal, crazy-inducing situation anyway...

    Glad you are feeling better. I think maybe some sort of "emergency box," for when you (I) can't think at all, or come up with any plan at all - all you have to remember is to open said box to find some anchors and reality checks.

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  2. thanks Megan, perhaps all I need to do is re-read this blog post if I find myself there again

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  3. I'm so glad you got through it and are feeling better now. Being sick and being without him is awful. I had bronchitis for nearly a month last winter and was miserable alone. Feel better and keep strong.

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  4. It's the worst thing isn't it? Being ill magnifies all the feelings, the loneliness, the fear, the loss, everything. It simply magnifies it so much and for me, that time, it got too much to bear. I understand now how people can take their lives and it scares the hell out of me. I'm going to ensure I'm not alone next time I'm ill!

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  5. i am so sorry you have been so ill. i know the dark thoughts well that seep into the brain when you feel so badly. you are loved, Boo. your wit, your laugh, and your sense of adventure and love of the absurd is a gift to all who know you. when i think of you, i can recall your eyes dancing in delight at the memory of incident i think of as "the Great Boo Buys a Watch From Thugs in a Foreign Country While Cliff Has a Conniption Caper." my God, the memories you have, the adventures you've been on. you went to Australia! i am so impressed with you.

    being sick is so hard. i know. having all the things in your life fall apart around you; you feel out of control at a time when you so desperately need to have control. but Boo, you have the strength in you to have adventured all over the world. i said it up there. i will say it again. i am so impressed with you. you allow Cliff's love and strength to live and grow inside you. i am still on my knees in shock over losing my Dragon. i need to be more like you. i need to find my Dragon's love and strength inside me and grab onto it with both hands. i need to try to start living again.

    you will have other days, other times in which you will feel weak, but know that i see you as strong. i have no way to travel to visit you. i am not sure i would be able to if i did. but you have my words, my support, and my deep belief that you will be more than okay. you will be fine.

    peace and love from you know who.

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  6. Oh Boo,

    I'm so sorry you were so sick on your own. I remember when I had H1N1 last year and I was so ill and scared to be so sick all on my own. I'm very glad you're feeling better and you didn't do anything that would have made Cliff kick your butt. You are very important to so many of us and the world would be darker without you. Love and hugs to you!!!!!!

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  7. Hey Margo, I'm so sorry you were sick. I would have loved to cook you some soup and brought it to you. If only I knew, and had a jet plane. I would have been there in an instant. You know this whole grief thing can be so damn difficult. When one other thing goes bad, well, I feel like giving up as well. It's hard not to go a little crazy.

    I love you, and will send you well wishes for a good day at work, and a good weekend.

    Dan

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  8. thanks for making me feel less insane. It is what it is, huh? I'm back at work today and feeling weak but better ... love to you all for your kindness and complete understanding.

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