I'm coping, you know?
I trundle along, day by day, feeling fairly secure in the little world that I have created for myself since Cliff died. In fact the world, that thanks to Cliff, that I could create for myself.
Sometimes I pat myself on the back for doing pretty well.
That is, until there is a fly in the ointment ...
it doesn't take a lot.
And then it - whatever it is - just magnifies his death, my grief, my insecurities and idiosyncracies. It makes me wobble, panic, and sometimes spiral downwards.
This time "it" is my car crash and the aftermath of paperwork that has been borne out of it. I don't know what the hell I am doing, and even though I manage paperwork all day long at work, for some reason at home, I get a complete mental block.
All week I've had that "flight or fight" feeling.
I know that I won't rest easy till I get my car back, the insurance is settled and I know I can afford all the bills that go along with "it". That said, I have been helped along the way by three angels; Afzal at my brokers, Tony at the body shop and Steve at BMW Arden. If these three men had not helped me, pacified me, calmed me ... I know that I would be in a far worse place than I am today.
You know what, I can do this.
Even if I do feel like a child.
Now then, all I need to do now is ask my neighbour to clear out the filter on my washing machine, and my new little world will be almost back to where it was a couple of weeks ago.
C'mon Boo, you CAN ask for help, you can do it ... (even if you hate asking, even if it does give you a harsh reminder that he's not here to do these things for you anymore ...)