Friday, August 20, 2010

Flies and angels in ointment

I'm coping, you know?
I trundle along, day by day, feeling fairly secure in the little world that I have created for myself since Cliff died. In fact the world, that thanks to Cliff, that I could create for myself.
Sometimes I pat myself on the back for doing pretty well.
That is, until there is a fly in the ointment ...
it doesn't take a lot.
And then it - whatever it is - just magnifies his death, my grief, my insecurities and idiosyncracies. It makes me wobble, panic, and sometimes spiral downwards.
This time "it" is my car crash and the aftermath of paperwork that has been borne out of it. I don't know what the hell I am doing, and even though I manage paperwork all day long at work, for some reason at home, I get a complete mental block.
All week I've had that "flight or fight" feeling.
I know that I won't rest easy till I get my car back, the insurance is settled and I know I can afford all the bills that go along with "it". That said, I have been helped along the way by three angels; Afzal at my brokers, Tony at the body shop and Steve at BMW Arden. If these three men had not helped me, pacified me, calmed me ... I know that I would be in a far worse place than I am today.
You know what, I can do this.
Even if I do feel like a child.
Now then, all I need to do now is ask my neighbour to clear out the filter on my washing machine, and my new little world will be almost back to where it was a couple of weeks ago.
C'mon Boo, you CAN ask for help, you can do it ... (even if you hate asking, even if it does give you a harsh reminder that he's not here to do these things for you anymore ...)


  1. I know exactly how you feel. I had to go over to my neighbor's one night and get him to unfasten my necklace. Dealing with a car crash would mess me up big time.

  2. thank you. That makes me feel less crazy x

  3. Boo,

    You certainly are NOT crazy! Or I'm crazy right along with you :) I completely understand exactly what you've written about. Dealing with all the crap without him and asking for help when we need it is so hard. I hate asking for help!!! I'd rather struggle through something on my own.

    But I've learned that people really can be kind and usually want to help. We just have to let people know what we need, 'cause most people don't read minds :) I used to think, "why doesn't _____ just do ______ for us? Can't they see we need help?" But I've learned that I need to speak up, be my own advocate and people are usually there (when they can be).

    Love to you,

  4. you are so right. I know that there are people out there who are kind, but I have that widow's aversion to asking for help, and I have got to get over it, because there are some things that I just can't get done on my own.

    I love your comment about people not being mind-readers, because that is what I expected them to be :-) I've got past that stage now, but I still struggle with asking for help.

    LOL, we'll get there xx

  5. i could be your shadow. it is very hard for me to ask for help. i was taught to keep secrets. years of behavior modification later i met my Dragon who would coax my thoughts from me. he's not here to do that and speaking up is not something i learned, or i got used to it only with him. it is a struggle and i hope one that you overcome because you deserve peaceful nights and hopeful days.

  6. S - I was never as close to anyone as I was to Cliff and always kept my feelings to myself to a great degree. Grief has forced them out somewhat, but in the form of screaming when alone at home, to be very honest.

    In fact I just had a screaming fit with my deaf dog sitting there looking at me very bemused :-) and feel better for it ...

    think I'll have a little nap, then get ready for collecting Cliff's fireworks tomorrow, getting my courtesy car, and seeing his family.

    Hugs and love xx

  7. It's crazy how one thing, no matter how big or small, can just really throw you. You can be doing so good and then bam there's the song on the radio or the devastating moment you forget your wallet in the car when you're at the store (both realities for me lately!). I hope you continue to trudge on, hugs <3

  8. It is Mrs P. I think it's because we discovered the earth isn't that solid beneath our feet ... so if something rocks our world today, it sends us into a panic! Nice to meet you :-)