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Friday, August 27, 2010

Back at work

I'm not sure where I am on the climb anymore


Today, I may still feel weak, but I'm back at work. I have only told my boss and a close friend how I felt over the past few days and they both reminded me that the car crash and collecting Cliff's ashes and fireworks probably didn't help the situation.

As much as I didn't want to admit it, I have taken several steps back in my grief. Perhaps more than several. That's okay, at least I know now. You can deal with the truth. And I'm taking steps so that I can start to trundle forwards.

I have booked a counselling session today.

I have a dental appointment booked for the 31st.

I have arranged Cliff's first firework for September 4th.

Some friends are questioning if September 4th is too soon. I think it's actually vital for me at this stage in my grief to go ahead with it. I need the time with his closest friends. I need more closure. I need to face the fact that he isn't coming home. Ever.

Because I am still pretending. I thought I'd accepted it. But I'm not sure that I have.

Fuck.

4 comments:

  1. Hi Boo,
    I used to follow your blog and have been again lately. I don't usually comment as there is no name/URL option in the "Comment as:" but I'll use one I made up as a google account ID.

    After what will be two years on Sept. 6th, for me, grief has not seemed at all linear. Some parts of my life seem to be "okay" while other parts are not. Your recent setback during an illness seems pretty normal to me. When too many things start going wrong in my life (sick dog, van breaking down during my travels, having to deal with nitwits at a company that is causing me some kind of trouble, or whatever) I can get feeling very troubled or insecure. Fortunately, I've managed to reach a point of being able to remind myself that nothing lasts forever - not good things, but not bad things either. Stupid situations, illnesses, upsetting experiences... all eventually lose their momentum and their hold on us. Once I began to see life in that perspective, it changed how I feel about the crappier moments. When I travel in the van, if I have a truly bad day, I try to tell myself that, in the larger scheme of things, this is a minor blip. Everything will be fine in a day, or a week, or whatever. Although it has become such a cliché, I remind myself that tomorrow is a new day. Everything will look different under sunny skies, or whatever other methaphorical crap I can come up with. Most of the time, this works. Still, it is good to have a close friend, or two, or three, whom you can call when you need someone to remind you that things aren't all that bad - you'll be okay in a day or two - hang in, or similar good advice.

    Anyhow, I suspect that you're doing just fine. You do know that Cliff's not coming home. No, you're not pretending. You're just living in a way that is helping you to carry on while you gradually adjust to what is, for most of us, the greatest change that will ever occur in our lives.

    Bev (Journey to the Center blog).

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  2. Bev, thank you very much for taking the time to share your own experience with me. It means so much to me today. Your words have reached me and reassured me at the same time. I hope I can return the favour one day and am about to look up your blog x

    Megan - yes indeed

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  3. Trust you gut. Do what you think is best for you today. I know that for me, pushing myself even though I'm not sure about the outcome, does help me in the end. I keep trying to make these major shifts, which mark my widowhood, earlier than most expect, such as removing my wedding ring, moving, and now changing my Facebook account to Widowed rather than Married to Michael Lowrie. Once I do each of these type of things, I realize that are one more than I don't have to worry about.

    Hang in there. You are much loved, and always have our support.

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