Today, I may still feel weak, but I'm back at work. I have only told my boss and a close friend how I felt over the past few days and they both reminded me that the car crash and collecting Cliff's ashes and fireworks probably didn't help the situation.
As much as I didn't want to admit it, I have taken several steps back in my grief. Perhaps more than several. That's okay, at least I know now. You can deal with the truth. And I'm taking steps so that I can start to trundle forwards.
I have booked a counselling session today.
I have a dental appointment booked for the 31st.
I have arranged Cliff's first firework for September 4th.
Some friends are questioning if September 4th is too soon. I think it's actually vital for me at this stage in my grief to go ahead with it. I need the time with his closest friends. I need more closure. I need to face the fact that he isn't coming home. Ever.
Because I am still pretending. I thought I'd accepted it. But I'm not sure that I have.