Saturday, July 31, 2010

Where I am ... or, where am I?

I just need to explore what's happened since my soulmate left this earth.

The pain is the same. Crippling. Burning. But I have discovered coping mechanisms and they serve me well in appearing as though I am healing. Yes I have made progress. But the pain remains the same.

Since January 6th 2009 I have learned so much. I have become self analytical. Grown. Pretended. Been so truthful about my grief that I have shocked and perhaps horrified those who do not know this loss.

I've stopped willing airplanes that carry me through skies to drop like a stone. But in the words of Robbie Williams - "I don't want to die but I'm not keen on living either."

I've been robbed twice. Been let down by too many people. Felt broken, angry, defeated. Been diagnosed with diabetes - and in my sick widow brain was happy when the doctors told me that the shock of losing Cliff brought it on .. because it proved to me that I loved him enough ...

At 18 months I lost it. Big time. I couldn't believe it had been that long. I finally realized he wasn't coming home. I'm only just beginning to climb out of the deep dark place again.

Panic grips me often. It sounds ungrateful but even though I have friends ... At the end of the day I go home alone. Completely alone. I can be in the company of a million people and I feel completely lonely. I know that people are growing tired of my grief. So tired. So scared.

So sick of pretending that I'm ok. Because I'm not. It's a mammoth effort to do anything. Even to breathe.

My neighbours complain that my dogs bark if I go out at weekends. So I am marooned here. I need help to finish the house. I look at it and it seems too monumental a task to complete without him.

I can't sleep in my bed at weekends again.

It feels as though I give and give and give but no one gives back. They just take and smother me with negativity which takes a deathly grip. Everything is a battle. Every day.

I need £2k worth of dental work due to the impact that diabetes has wreaked on tooth decay. Another worry. Yes I have insurance but I still have to pay for treatment then wait for them to reimburse me.

I'm terrified that I'll be robbed again.

I'm terrified that my best friend won't get better. I can barely breathe if I allow myself to dwell on it.

It doesn't matter how hard I try, someone is always ready to knock me down. The house is a tip. My Hoover was stolen and I haven't replaced it yet. I live in a shrine. Trapped because I don't have the energy to sort it out.

This loss is all consuming. It's wearing me out. It's aged me beyond belief.

I just want him. Nothing else.

Australia was a turning point for me. It proved to me that I can do this. But I'm losing that belief again. I want to move there in two years but I can't seem to motivate myself to take the first steps on that ambition. And I find myself questioning if it's the right decision. I'm so damn unsure and insecure and alone and scared.

San Diego was a life-changing event for me. It gave me hope and it proved that there is life out there for me. But again, those positive feelings are slipping through my fingers, like water.

I hurt.

I know who my friends are, and who my "dementors" are. Self-preservation has finally kicked in. I had to get hurt and angry to face the issue. And I have. No more. Stepping awaaaaaaaaaaaaay from the dementors. I don't have the energy for it. I'm not in a place where I can give away that kind or amount of energy.

I'm sick of trying to be positive and people bringing me down.


  1. So sorry Boo - I tried to write a post about the lonely feeling last night too . . . I know what you mean and it's tough to explain the (few) people who are trying to be supportive, just how lonely this is.

    I'm glad that the writing helps you to release some of these feelings and congratulate you on your ability to write so honestly.


  2. Boo, you've expressed yourself so beautifully. Thank you for speaking what's in my heart, too. I'm also tired of hurting and grieving... no matter how much I try to convince myself and others how well I'm doing. It's constant.
    I'm so sorry you've had to deal with getting robbed twice! I had no idea! And diabetes, too.
    My heart is with you - whether in the UK or Australia! XOXO

  3. Chelsea and Andrea, just coming back here and seeing your replies has given me ooomphhh to snap out of my funk. Love you both for that. Just had to get it all off my chest, you know. That in itself helps as you know.

    Love you two,

  4. You are definitely not alone in this misery. It's just so painful that most don't want to see it reflected back at them by putting it down in words. I hope that you found though, that by doing so you can at least feel supported, and give yourself the peace of mind that others can accept that it is where you are at.

    I can totally relate to your feeling vidicated by your diagnoses. I often want some kind of clear cause and effect to prove to the world, or to myself, that I am no longer the same. I am changed, for better or worse.

    Love you.


  5. I have no right to even comment here because I do not know what you are feeling. I just know that you are hurting and that in itself, makes me feel bad. Sometimes there are just too many things bombarding you all at once--Cliff's death, dental problems, diabetes, robberies. Just one of those alone would be enough to put anyone under and are able to reach out and help others and you are going forward. You are so strong to get through it all and not truly give up. My thoughts are with you.

  6. Boo,

    I can relate to this post so well. "People" think that just because we appear to be doing "better", that we actually are. Widowhood has made me a very good actress. But I agree that San Diego was life changing and that getting rid of the dementors in our life is a positive move (tough, but positive).

    Love you. Hugs (and a vodka and diet pepsi)

  7. Dan, for some reason I found it hard to post that and I think you have managed to analyze why :-) I feel so so so much better for doing so and it was a positive thing to do because the feelings were eating away at me. Not good! Now I have dumped the emotions I can move on from them, towards more positive feelings ... much better.

    I think your tattoo defines/signifies the change in you and your world and your heart.

  8. Judith, thanks as ever for your empathy. Please don't feel that you don't feel you have a right to comment, because I value all my friends' opinions whether they are widowed or not :-)

  9. Debbie, it feels as though you and I are in a very similar place right now. I am so grateful that you are in my life! Thanks for understanding and also talking me down recently my hon xxx
    Hugs and a glass of bubbles to you. Gotta come to Canada next year :-) Love you right back xxx