Saturday, July 31, 2010

Where I am ... or, where am I?

I just need to explore what's happened since my soulmate left this earth.

The pain is the same. Crippling. Burning. But I have discovered coping mechanisms and they serve me well in appearing as though I am healing. Yes I have made progress. But the pain remains the same.

Since January 6th 2009 I have learned so much. I have become self analytical. Grown. Pretended. Been so truthful about my grief that I have shocked and perhaps horrified those who do not know this loss.

I've stopped willing airplanes that carry me through skies to drop like a stone. But in the words of Robbie Williams - "I don't want to die but I'm not keen on living either."

I've been robbed twice. Been let down by too many people. Felt broken, angry, defeated. Been diagnosed with diabetes - and in my sick widow brain was happy when the doctors told me that the shock of losing Cliff brought it on .. because it proved to me that I loved him enough ...

At 18 months I lost it. Big time. I couldn't believe it had been that long. I finally realized he wasn't coming home. I'm only just beginning to climb out of the deep dark place again.

Panic grips me often. It sounds ungrateful but even though I have friends ... At the end of the day I go home alone. Completely alone. I can be in the company of a million people and I feel completely lonely. I know that people are growing tired of my grief. So tired. So scared.

So sick of pretending that I'm ok. Because I'm not. It's a mammoth effort to do anything. Even to breathe.

My neighbours complain that my dogs bark if I go out at weekends. So I am marooned here. I need help to finish the house. I look at it and it seems too monumental a task to complete without him.

I can't sleep in my bed at weekends again.

It feels as though I give and give and give but no one gives back. They just take and smother me with negativity which takes a deathly grip. Everything is a battle. Every day.

I need £2k worth of dental work due to the impact that diabetes has wreaked on tooth decay. Another worry. Yes I have insurance but I still have to pay for treatment then wait for them to reimburse me.

I'm terrified that I'll be robbed again.

I'm terrified that my best friend won't get better. I can barely breathe if I allow myself to dwell on it.

It doesn't matter how hard I try, someone is always ready to knock me down. The house is a tip. My Hoover was stolen and I haven't replaced it yet. I live in a shrine. Trapped because I don't have the energy to sort it out.

This loss is all consuming. It's wearing me out. It's aged me beyond belief.

I just want him. Nothing else.

Australia was a turning point for me. It proved to me that I can do this. But I'm losing that belief again. I want to move there in two years but I can't seem to motivate myself to take the first steps on that ambition. And I find myself questioning if it's the right decision. I'm so damn unsure and insecure and alone and scared.

San Diego was a life-changing event for me. It gave me hope and it proved that there is life out there for me. But again, those positive feelings are slipping through my fingers, like water.

I hurt.

I know who my friends are, and who my "dementors" are. Self-preservation has finally kicked in. I had to get hurt and angry to face the issue. And I have. No more. Stepping awaaaaaaaaaaaaay from the dementors. I don't have the energy for it. I'm not in a place where I can give away that kind or amount of energy.

I'm sick of trying to be positive and people bringing me down.