Saturday, January 23, 2010

translucent faded water colours

translucent, faded water colours follow me still.
Sometimes they make me smile ...
... but they still have the capacity to bring me to my knees.
I miss the freedom that I had ... being with you. Most people think that you lose your freedom when you get married. Not so. I never had more freedom than when I was with you. Because of you.
I miss the deep throaty laughter that you only let escape with a lover.
It's happening ... even though my belief was that it couldn't. I'm feeling wings though I've never flown. I'm standing on that precipice again, and have no fear to leap ... the difference this time is that I don't want to leap into darkness, rather life.
It's ok to go babe ... I'll be okay because I'll take your love with me, and your lessons. Take my love with you ... and know that I love you still. Always. That cannot be changed. It just is.
The Phoenix has arisen from the ashes.
Oh fuck, it's scary ... and exhilerating, like nothing before.
(but I'm still not ready to take off my rings, nor can I change my profile on Facebook to widowed)


  1. Beautiful photo and words. I'm inspired by your love and courage.

  2. Boo,
    You are posting so often I can't keep up with you! Obviously you are growing your wings and I am so happy for you. I agree that I was never as free as when I was married and I feel sad for people for whom marriage means less freedom. They're obviously missing out on the secret!

    I am struck by how we can all feel such similiar things and understand each other's deepest emotions yet still retain our individuality. Grief remains unique for all of us. I cannot imagine when I'll be ready to remove my rings, though I finally stopped wearing his ring on my left middle finger when it fell off and I almost lost it. But I changed my Facebook status months ago, because I need to. In my mind, I was honouring him, though I understand not wanting to because actually clicking that box was very difficult. So we understand each other and yet walk our own paths. Thankfully, our paths cross so often :)

    Sending love and hugs to you as you begin to spread those wings and jump into life!
    Love Deb

  3. I admire your strength lovie!! Take your time on all aspects, especially the rings and FB. Oh, and the weekend trip for the sun is booked! My sister, her fiance, and myself are all going to Arizona for some spring training baseball!! Oh the sun!! :)

  4. Hi all, thanks for cheering me on. xxx