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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The time is now

This morning, the first thought on my mind, for the first time in 16 years, was not of Cliff.

Is that good?

Should I feel bad?

Wish I could fast-forward my life a bit.

Feeling impatient with myself … “wanna run baby, run, like a stream down a mountain-side. With the wind at my back, you know I wouldn’t even bat an eye” … but I don’t want to run to him anymore, because I really have accepted that he’s dead. Finally. No more pretending. My mind has finally processed the fact, whilst retaining its sanity. Even if I feel a little crazy right now. It’s kind of a good crazy, if there is such a thing.

What a difference this state of mind is to that I was in only 3 weeks ago. I thought … really doubted my sanity three weeks ago.

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Of course I still miss him. I think I always will.

"It is better to have lived one day as a tiger than a thousand years as a sheep." - Tibetan saying

If there is one person I know who lived as a tiger, it is him.

I’ll be betraying him if I don’t live. Really live. Laugh.

There is nothing to fear out there.

Apart from driving on ice, and spiders.

13 comments:

  1. i am so happy for you that you are at this point. i know you will have moments when you falter but, baring ice and spiders, or ice spiders, or spiders skating on thin ice, i feel you will not take any steps back.

    you are my canary in the mine that i glance over at to see and hope that i will get there, find this place where you are. maybe when i get past the one year milestone, and Valentine's Day. i just want to get past those two days. at least i'm looking forward and not behind.

    thank you for showing me the way, if it wasn't planned.

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  2. Wow. That's all I've got. Wow! What do you think the secret is, to getting where you've gotten? Time? Getting past the one year? Having things to look forward to? I feel like I'm on the verge of these feelings but they make me nervous and guilty. I'm wondering what will push me over the edge...

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  3. I'm with Suddenwidow. Wow!! I think to sum it up nicely is to say that we HAVE to remember that Grief doest not = Love. LOVE = LOVE. I think we forget that way toooo often. Grief is a completely different nasty little monster. As time goes on we know better how to take his awful punches and kick to the sides, and our love is like the coach in the corner, egging us on to keep going. This is an inspiring post Boo :) Hope admist despair, light in the darkness, the illumination of the ever-present LOVE that will always be, even when the grief takes a back seat. Me and my dearest friend Nicole who is a military widow too, call them the days with Love takes a front seat and pain is in the back. Cliff is smiling big time my friend!!! xxxxxx

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  4. Kim, is that Nicole Hart you are talking about? Great girl, love her blog, wish she hadn't stopped writing it. Yep, grief is not love. Not at all. I have emailed you sweetie xxx

    SW - yes, it is mainly things to look forward to and knowing that I have done one year and one week. I know I can do another year and a week. The firsts are over ... the seconds are going to hit me equally as hard, but I have a break till March. I'm still crying every day, but I have chosen a different mindset.

    wNs - I will always be your canary in the mine ok? For now, think of California, till you get through February. You've just had your birthday, you have the year anniv next, that is enough to contend with for now xxx

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  5. Boo, yes it is Nicole Hart that I am talking about. She found me a month after Warren was killed and her husband was killed on the day Warren started Basic Training. Weird huh?! Anyway... I emailed you too my sweet friend. xx

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  6. This post makes me so happy and hopeful! Hugs!!

    Mandy

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  7. Hi Boo.

    This post of very courageaous, in many ways. It's not just that you woke and and could acknowledge that there is some movement in your process, it is being willing to share that with others. Although I am not as far along this journey as you are, I do find myself questioning where I find some kind of middle ground. I don't want to run from my grief, or it's pain, but I also don't want to get stuck in it either. To do that I too need to acknowledge that Michael is dead, and that I need to stop expecting that not to be true. Not an easy task.

    I spoke to Michael's mother about this very things this weekend, the need to acknowledge the loss with the challenge to move on. She said she understood, even though as Michael's mother she expects to me to wait a full year before venturing off too far. We both laughed, but I understood what she was saying.

    I'm proud of where you are, and the willingess to share it with us. As we know, it is never as easy as we want it to be. But it doesn't need to be, as you have all of us.

    Love. Dan

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  8. you are a great encouragement to anyone who reads your posts :)

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  9. We really are in the same place right now. It was three weeks ago that I was convinced I was losing my mind completely... Maybe instead of three steps forward, one leap back like I thought, it's those leaps back that help us get even further ahead. You know the saying, "it's gotta get worse to get better."
    Please keep in mind, though, that even though we are in a better place right now, we're still going to have our set backs, and not to beat ourselves up about them when they catch up to us. I think I have to write about this, too... Love to you, Boo.

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  10. Grief can stick to you like glue, if you let it.

    The point is that life is there for the living. And one thing that this experience teaches you, is that you have to grab it with both hands.

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  11. Mandy and WKWDMG - thanks for your kind words.

    Dan - I don't see myself as courageous, as I've always tended to wear my heart on my sleeve, however I am relieved to have finally accepted death as a finality after a year and a week. Please be kind to yourself ... it is such early days to yourself. And yes, as Roads has alluded to, one must not get stuck in grief, and I am determined not to. And I will share with you that I thought I had accepted death at 4 months, at 6 months and at 10 months, but I really hadn't. This time though, I am sure of it. And I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that you will find yourself in this place when you are ready. But not before you are (ready). We get there when our minds are strong enough to cope with the fact. Not a day sooner! It sounds as though Michael got his sense of humour from his Mom?

    Andrea - yes, you are right. Kim and I have been discussing the fact that going backwards IS in fact going forwards sometimes ... and I think we need to just say, "this is what it is" and enjoy the breaks when we are given them ... yes, we will fall over, but at least we now know that we can pick ourselves up and keep going. I'll look forward to reading the post.

    Roads - thank you for your comment, as I always feel a little calmer when I have checked in on you or vice versa ... it's taken me a year to understand ... but you are right, choose life, and live every day as though it is your last. Two months ago I wasn't ready to hear it ... today I am and can embrace it. I've also just remembered that one always has a choice ... and I've literally chosen my attitude/reaction and mindset. I do realize that I will fall into a dip again, but for now, this is good.

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