Having managed the drive back from the coast on January 7th, I returned to work yesterday, which was good, even though I had to work from home, due to the fact that my road was impassable.
I worked my way through 500 emails and one telecon. There were quite a few emails from friends and colleagues promising to sponsor me for the walk, which meant the world to me. I was also so touched at some of the emails that my widow-friends had sent me over the holidays ... the empathy and love within those mails was almost palpable.
And you can call me sad, but I so missed being able to be at the office, amongst friends and colleagues there. I like the buzz. I like the companionship. Because this is now missing at home.
At around 16h30 when I logged off from my Company's network, I felt so sad that it was Friday evening, that he isn't here, that I am marooned home alone, and that life basically will never be the same again. I will never feel the same again.
The numbness has lifted, and how I wish it hadn't. Pain has taken its place.
Today, I haven't bothered to wash even. What's the point? I slept on the couch last night because ... actually I don't know why, I just did.
I just can't motivate myself to do housework or sort through paperwork either ... when Cliff was here, I had a purpose ... I did these things for him even if I found them boring or tiresome. Some days I find I can still do stuff for Cliff, today is not one of them.
I have taken the dogs out in the snow though, and found that helped lift my mood. Being out in the air, looking at how pretty the snow is, laughing at how Barney disappears because it is so deep. Then I set off alone, thinking how lovely it would be to just walk, hand in hand with Cliff, to the little shop. The simple things in life are free. Last night I thought about how much I'd love to go food shopping with him, that I wouldn't be able to focus on the food because I'd be marvelling at him. Just the wonderfulness of him.
I miss you so much.
And I realized why old people talk to checkout girls for so long. It's because they haven't spoken to anyone else all day. So I made a point of not talking to the checkout person at our store because I didn't want to assign myself to that niche in society. WTF. My brain works very peculiarly these days. The thoughts I have, the things I do and say.
I now know just how tenuous, just how fragile and precariously thin that line is ... the line between sanity and insanity.
Last night I typed up a list of the clothes I want to send to womanNshadows so that she can make Cliff's quilt, along with some ideas for what she can embroider on it. And then I went to his wardrobe, opened the doors, just stood there for the longest time, looking at his shirts hanging there. And I was reminded of how big he was ... those shirts are big enough for me to wear as dresses. I miss my bear of a man. I miss him. I smelled some of the things that are preserved for moments when I am at my weakest and held them and just sobbed. I'm crying now, just remembering doing it.
I miss you baba. It hurts so much.
Hopefully it will stop snowing. I'll be able to get back to work properly.
I'd really like to drive down to the coast tomorrow to see Shaun, Vicki, Gary and Gaynor. I need to see them ... they cheer me up and give me a taste of Cliff again somehow. But I think the snow is going to stop me.
I do have something to look forward to though. On Friday, Sara and I are going to the Old Dovorian Cocktail Party at the RAF Club in Piccadilly (London). What to wear? Oooh, maybe I need a new pair of shoes, a new outfit? Dog-hotel to be booked. It will be good fun. Have I mentioned before how much I love my boarding-school friends?