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Monday, January 25, 2010

Remembering

It's so hard to believe that a year ago tomorrow was Cliff's funeral.

Right now I was cooking a big Italian dinner for the family, primarily because all my checklists had been ticked off, everything was accomplished and done, and I had to have something to do, otherwise I'd have started screaming and screaming (again).

My stomach is doing backflips remembering.

I want to run away from the remembering thing.

It's a memory that has the ability to make my heart race and make me feel sick ... and panicky. Dry mouth, ears ringing so hard that I can hear my pulse.

I still doubt myself. I still wonder if I did enough for him that day. I still wonder if he approved of the Eulogy. So many people told me that it was beautiful. But I didn't write it for them. I wrote it for him.

The other thing I'm remembering very clearly is just how brilliant his (my) family were and still are. Back then ... without them ... it doesn't bear thinking about. His blood ... now my blood ... and I love them so much for it.

6 comments:

  1. I'm sure Cliff loved everything you did for him that day, all the days before, and how you are living your life now. Don't doubt yourself lovie!! You are an amazing, strong women. These days will be hard, and hell on our mind, bodies, and souls. But, we'll make it!! Lots of love to you dear friend!!

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  2. thanks Mandy - we will make it. We will :-) It's just hard, you know ... to do justice in one solitary day to a man's entire life. It just feels that whatever I did couldn't ever have been enough really. Gratitude and love :-)

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  3. I'm doing some of my own remembering.

    Remembering reading about how much time and thought you put into his eulogy.

    Remembering you describe yourself closed off in a room, writing, smoking, getting through all of it through your own efforts.

    Remembering reading what you posted about the eulogy, and thinking not only what an amazing man Cliff was, but what an amazing woman he had as his wife.

    I remember that the whole thing spoke volumes about the love shared between the two of you.

    I'll remember you today, and I'll remember the two of you tomorrow.

    Dan

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  4. Dan, that made me cry (but tears of relief not tears of sorrow). Thank you - there are no other words. I love you <3

    Boo
    xx

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  5. I have read all of your past posts and the Eulogy you wrote for Cliff was so beautiful. I will be thinking of you all day tomorrow. Isn't it strange how a year goes by so quickly and yet when you look back, how hard that year has been to get through. Each day sometimes seems so long and yet looking back, passed so quickly.

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  6. thanks so much Jude ... that is very true, it seems like yesterday, then I notice how far I've come compared to those early days, and I realize it WAS a year ago ...

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