Saturday, January 2, 2010

a little more Buzz, a teeny insy less Boo

This is me. This is Boo. When we first watched "Monsters Inc", Cliff laughed his head off because he thought that "Boo" in the movie was very similar to me. Especially when the big monster roared at her (to scare her), and she giggled, "Kittie" raising her arms to be hugged by him. Cliff and many of his closest friends used to laugh at my ability to meet some pretty scarey individuals and bring out the soft side of them, retorting to his friends, "he's lovely."

"To you, maybe ..." they would laugh.

I shan't lose the Boo in me. That is the Boo who Cliff fell in love with. The Boo who sees the good in people, and who sees the softness ... however ... I had the luxury of being loved and protected by a man who most would not choose to cross or anger intentionally.

My Cliffy is not here in a physical sense anymore. I still seek reassurance from him, but I am beginning to understand that I always had it in me - he simply gave me the confidence - he made me believe that I could do what I have accomplished so far. It's hard to continue without his counsel, without the safety net ... but my husband overcame adversity after adversity during his life, and he never gave up. Not once. Not only that, he never let any experience embitter him, or change him. This is my ambition ... to do the same.

I need to retain the optimism by seeing the good in people, keep the trust (but be more selective), and take a leaf out of Buzz Lightyear's attitude.

He believed he could fly. And so, in the end, he did. Right now, I am looking at the world as a mere observer, not fully participating. I need to take that leap ... and rejoin the land of the living (albeit taking Cliff along for the ride).

to infinity and beyond, onwards and upwards

I can identify with his catchphrase, especially knowing that infinity and beyond is waiting for me at the very end of this journey, whenever that may happen to be. I need to have the courage, just to believe I can truly do this.

And I will.


  1. i love this! and you are so right, everything Cliff loves in you is still there. the courage, the ability to see through bluster and rough edges, and the will to go "onwards and upwards." even if our soulmates are different from us, there is a compatibility there that makes us like them, have the some of the same character traits. i bet Cliff's friends can see some of his traits in you and a lot of the best ones that he brought out in you that are uniquely you.

    look in the mirror and see what Cliff saw. look at his picture then at yourself. look at one of the two of you, of him looking at you and you'll see his admiration. he looks like a tough man to impress. you impressed the hell out of him.

    Cliff knows you can do this. i know you can. you've already gone to bat for me, setting aside your own grief. Boo, you're already proven to him and to me that you are already well on your way.

  2. It is nice to hear the story of how you became "Boo." Yes, I very much believe as do you that our strengths are already inside us. But it is also so much easier to face everything with a devoted and committed partner by our sides. It just is. So I salute you for harnessing your inner strength and the inspiration you receive from who Cliff was and how he lived to propel you toward infinity and beyond!

  3. I wondered how you got your name and it is a great reason. I tend to be a scaredy cat when I meet people of bluff and bluster, but you are very, very only has to read this blog to know that. Carry on.............

  4. awwww, thanks for your belief in me guys. It helps me so much ... we will all get there together <3

  5. You can do this, and you will, you are a strong and wonderful woman. You are in my thoughts.

  6. Hi Boo,

    In our house, "I love you to infinity and beyond" is a favorite saying, taken from one of our favorite movies. You are like Buzz Lightyear already, supporting so many of us and looking after us, like Cliff looked after you. You are amazing and I really look forward to spending time together in San Diego.

    Thanks for checking in on me on my blog. I'm back, and will post soon.

    Love Debbie

  7. Hi Boo.

    I realize that it is already January 5th your time, and I wanted you to know that I am here in SF thinking about you. These next couple of days are going to be difficult, I'm sure. I am a big time candle and incense burner. I will keep a candle lit to remind me that you are experiencing these significant days. I will burn incense, as it has always been a way for me to see my prayers and worries float up to heaven. I will be praying that you are able to feel Cliff's presence, and that he is at peace knowing that you are a survivor.

    Cliff must know all that you have done in the last year to get through this, and all that you have given to the rest of us who also grieve. Know that I want to set aside my grief these next couple of days, and focus on healing for you. I then want to share in you New Year when these days have passed.

    Love, Dan

  8. Dan, I think the knowledge that you have a candle burning in San Francisco really really helped me get through "three o'clock". At that time exactly, I also lit a candle, and feel strangely peaceful. I expected the opposite, and feel his presence :-) Love conquers all - it IS true! Thank you so much for your words. We will all get there together. We shan't get back what we had, but we will find a new way to live. I know we will.

    CarrieBoo - as always thank you. You have been there for me right from the beginning of this journey. It is a relief to hear from you, I have been worried :-)

    Deb - glad you are home, looking forward to hearing how the holidays went. The main thing is that they are over and we are still standing :-)