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Sunday, January 17, 2010

Just realized

I woke up this morning and realized that I'm not married anymore.

That is frightening and liberating at the same time.

Last night I spent some time with a friend of Cliff's (and mine) and I told him that something inside me has broken and won't ever be fixed. He told me that he thought it was probably impossible to fix me completely back to the way I was ... but that he could see the happiness in me again ... that it was ok to move on ... that Cliff would want me to live again.

I feel alive again.

He knows, because he's gone further away from me, I can feel him leaving.

Part of me wants to scream, "come back, I'm not ready."

and part of me wants to whisper, "I'll be ok, it's alright for you to go."

So I've said both. I think he's smiling for me.

14 comments:

  1. Boo.... this had me in tears. Some days when I feel resilient and brave, I can feel him ... not "move away" per-say, but.. let go a little of me. Like he's running behind me on my bike doing the old trick of letting go a little to see if I can ride by myself. Sometimes I notice and I want to scream, " Where are you going?! Come back!!!!" and others... I nod in understandment that what needs to be done needs to be done. Sigh. Makes me crazy :( On the same page again my friend... xoxo

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  2. Lotter, we've got to keep moving, but it is hard ... too hard sometimes ... and crazy ... :-) xx

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  3. :-) what you told me about the waves, 10 months ago, is happening Carrieboo x

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  4. This makes me smile, and really happy for you. We all need to feel a little happiness in our lives!! Much love to you!! :)

    Mandy

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  5. This is a huge break through for you. Go forth and find that happiness that you so deserve.

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  6. It's great to hear the hope and joy in your post. I have felt Austin move away from me recently which makes me sad and liberated at the same time. I'm hoping that once I've hit the one year mark I will feel more like wanting to find new happiness and grab it. Can you share what Carrieboo shared with you about the waves?

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  7. You said it so well, Boo. ((((HUGS)))) XOXO

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  8. Andrea, I can sense from your posts that you are on the same page <3

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  9. Deb, of course:

    People would often say "time heals", however really it doesn't ... it's just the waves of sadness and grief become farther apart, and not as large, but they still come ... you just learn to ride those waves I guess

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  10. You're extremely perceptive.
    I cannot wait to meet you, Boo.
    XOXO

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  11. That's a liberating thought. Your life is in your hands, and yours alone.

    Go with it.

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  12. Andrea, let me know if you are going to be in SD the night before the conference begins, a few of us are getting together for dinner.

    Roads - yes, that's another thing that's just become clear!

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