Wednesday, January 6, 2010

It's past three

At three a.m. precisely, I lit a candle for the light that Cliff is in my life. I've sat still watching the flame flicker - its warm glow.

I think I am deadened by tiredness, for I feel strangely numb. Or do I feel peaceful? I really don't know.

Now, I can head for bed ...

... and worry about how to get down to the coast through the snow when I awake. NOT YET.

Thank you everyone for your wishes here and by text and on Facebook. Thanks also for not phoning - my issue with phones at the hardest times has been accepted, and I am so grateful for that.

This is where my head is right now, best described in the following quotations and poem.

The greatest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude.
- Thornton Wilder

You are not a human being having a spiritual experience. You are a spiritual being having a human experience.
—Wayne W. Dyer

The truest words of all: I will not forget you. You are in my waking thoughts, my sweetest memories, my dearest dreams. I will not forget you. You have touched my soul, opened my eyes, changed my very experience of the universe. I will not forget you. I see you in the flowers, the sunset, the sweep of the horizon and all things that stretch to infinity. I will not forget you. I have carved you on the palm of my hand. I carry you with me forever.
— Ellen Sue Stern

It's really true, Baba, isn't it? You're not coming back. Your love remains still, always, my beautiful husband <3


  1. Hugs lovie! HUGE bear hugs!! Thinking of you and Cliff, and saying a little prayer!


  2. I'm grateful that you found my words from Living with Loss comforting. I wrote them from a deep well of sorrow in coping with my own loss. Thank you for allowing me to share your journey.

  3. Mandy - thx for bear hugs, have Chicago style snow here to drive through :-(

    Dan, I'll be driving very slowly

    Ellen Sue - I thought your words were wonderfully comforting. They really speak to me, especially now. Thank you for being so gracious about me stealing them to use here :-)

  4. i am thinking of you. always. i wish you peace.

  5. Holding you, holding you, holding you very close on this day. Love and hugs across the miles between. May your loving memories sustain you.

  6. I am with you in spirit and so proud of how you are living through this one year mark. You continue to inspire.
    Love and hugs to you,

  7. Just catching up with my blog reading.

    (((BIG HUGS))) on making it to the one year mark.

  8. thanks all for your encouragement and wishes ... we did it!