Friday, January 22, 2010

I can't cry

Why can't I cry?

I can feel the pressure building within me, trying to find its own release ... and yet, I just can't cry.

Am I numb again? I really don't know.

The car issue is temporarily resolved and Brian just texted me to check that I'm alright (he was a close friend of Cliff's for over 30 years), but I'm feeling a bit wobbly because he's moving to Spain in a couple of weeks. Another security blanket going away. WTF are almost all of his friends leaving the country? It's making me feel as though I'm at high altitude and the air is too thin to breathe.

I've really got to get my shit together.


  1. It's very difficult to deal with more change and loss on top of the loss of our spouses. That is the reason I have been unable to relocate. I need to retain some sense of stability in my life. Yes, it is a security blanket as are all the other little connections in our lives that make us feel safe, sound and protected.

    I don't think it is a matter of you getting your *hit together as much as it is giving yourself a chance to adjust to more change. In other words, it is not you but the situation if you know what I mean.

    Take care and I hope today is far less worrisome than yesterday!

  2. i'm not sure either, Boo. it could be that yes, some of your dear and trusted friends' lives are taking the to other places. it can be equated with loss. they won't be as close anymore like Brian is right now.

    as for not being able to cry, i know that feeling. i know the pressure you talk of. you're on the edge of what feels like a big meltdown but it just doesn't happen. for me though, i've been a little nervous that i do cry every day but sometimes it waits all through the day for the night time. then i get in bed and that pressure releases and i sob.

    as for your sh*t, it is together, Boo. it's just life is bringing in some heavy "snow" as it were with these changes. and you know that all you can do is drive through it. i claim shot gun. others will climb in the back seat. but i have been on quite a lot of long road trips and am told i am an excellent co-pilot. alert. i am aware of snackies and drinks and the weather up ahead. i am a fantastic map reader. i don't need no stinkin' GPS. =0} i find good restaurants in larger towns and call ahead for healthy and hearty take-out.

    close your eyes and pretend i'm sitting beside you. we're having tea with just a nip blended in. oh, and i've brought bread and jam. i love bread and jam with tea. we're talking. i've quietly ferreted out the exact thing that will make you laugh, and i say it. timing is perfect. you're laughing so hard that you almost choke on your tea trying to keep from spitting it out. and then i say, "i bet the guys are shaking there heads and laughing, and maybe a bit worried as to what we'll say since there is is a bit of alcohol in our tea."

    and you laugh again until the tears come. then i'll hold your hand and say kind things to you in a soft voice. you're going to be alright, Boo. it's going to be okay. he chose you because a strong man needs a strong woman. even now, at this moment when you have all this self-doubt, he knows how strong you are. and he'd choose you all over again.

    you dwell in my heart now. you are always in my thoughts. i wish i could do more than bank the pain and fears with words.

  3. I think we all need to remember that any type of loss will be felt more drastically after our personal loss. Having friends move, or move on, is so difficult. It does cause us to realize how much more we need to carry on our own.

    Maybe the numbness you are currently experiencing is for some kind of self-preservation. I have no doubt the tears will return.

  4. I couldn't have said it better than Dan just did. (((BIG BEAR HUGS))) XOXO

  5. I've done the no crying thing. It's a weird feeling, especially after all you do is cry. I think it's a sign that we've just gotten a bit stronger. But, at the same time cling to the tears as something that we know expresses our emotion, and by not doing it we think that we are numb. I use to cry everyday, and then one day I just stopped. I would feel the need, but not do it. Then, when least expected, and things get too tough, they sneak up and surprise me. So, in the end I'm going to stick with the thought of getting stronger, and not numb to the world again.
    As for getting your shit together, it is together friend (as much as it can be) ;)!! Look at all the things you are learning to do on your own. Sure, you are utilizing your resources, but in the end you are doing it. The world continues to challenge us by having friends move, and move on. It's hard, because at times we forget that we are moving on, and we feel left behind in a scary world of the unknown. When, in all reality, as I have said before, we're doing it, we're moving forward everyday!! Hang in there love! I'm always here for you, just an email away!! :)

    HUGE hugs, and lots of love!


  6. thanks everyone for your lovely words and also the reminder that people moving equates change ... and change can be a loss ... which explained my feelings of panic. It helped me to calm down. I wish I could remember to stay calm, analyze, then choose whether the situation warrants a reaction of panic or not ... because generally, it doesn't.