Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A bad start ... a good ending

Neil and Michelle

This morning I set off for work, and my stupid car slid and slipped around on the ice. Just as I almost reached the motorway, it got stuck in snow. Despite throwing a mo-fo tantrum, then trying to push it, causing me to fall over in the snow ... it still wouldn't budge. Despite learning that crying didn't help last time this happened, I cried this time too. In the end, one of Cliff's friends rescued me and drove the car home because I was in such a mess.

I get on my own nerves these days. I really do.

My boss and I caught up by phone and we laughed at the stupidity of my reaction. It's good to laugh at yourself (and others) sometimes. Gatwick Airport is shut today, so it's doubtful that she'll be able to come down before she leaves the company. I hope she can because I have prepared myself to say goodbye to her, but not by phone. I have to plan everything and almost visualize myself doing stuff, in order for me to cope. This is a fairly recent thing. For example I have visualized myself lighting the fuses on the fireworks that will "scatter" Cliff's ashes, and I appear to be able to do it, which means that I will feel more confident about actually doing it ... ergo ... I will do it. Simple yet effective.

I caught up with Geoff as usual, and today he had a surprise for me. The fact is that I am thankful for our daily chats because they give me a little balance in my life. We chat and laugh, but I also use the time to sense-check things with him because I can trust him implicitly. Thanks to Martin Thomas, he had found Neil (another boarding school friend) who had asked him for my contact information. Anyway, what started out as a shitty day, ended up with me feeling positive, pretty happy and privileged, not to mention grateful to have these friends. It turns out that the friendship that I had with Neil all those years ago is still there and still as strong as ever. I am so lucky to have these people in my life again, when I most need them, when I want them, and I still love them. And, even better, they still love me. (That's not arrogance, just a statement of fact, and something I don't take for granted.)

Once again, I thanked my late father for sending me to the school that he did. Once again, I thanked Cliff for giving me such a strong foundation. Once again I want to say, "have I told you lately how much I love those guys?"

I do. I'm lucky.

And I'm thankful for having a good, strong day ... in the end.

If the snow would just go now, PLEASE, perhaps the strength will last even longer. Even if it only lasts till Friday, because I'm meeting Sara for a School Reunion Cocktail Party, so I know I'll be good for that.

I'll worry about next week when it arrives.


  1. i'm glad you didn't get hurt with the car and snow thing. and i'm glad that your day ended better. you are blessed with such good friends. your dad, your boarding school friends, Cliff. i know you worry about next week but i also know you have a strong safety net. i'm glad your day ended to "good and strong."

  2. I am thinking of you. I know you are probably feeling physically sick because there is only a couple more days till your birthday. It will hurt but you will be okay. Remember the mantra ... breathe, breathe, be still and it will pass.

  3. Snow sucks!!!!! Here is Chicago we have a ton of it! Plus, it's been -12 degrees. But, I'm glad your day ended well. We are all so lucky to have had, and to have such amazing people in our lives. Lots of love to you my friend!!


  4. How wonderful to reach the end of the day and see all the positives despite the awful start! Thank goodness for the car rescue - I really fear winding up in a ditch of snow but so far have luckily escaped it. I'm trying to avoid worrying about whatever lies ahead next week. I keep finding that when next week comes, everything works/turns out.

    Keep warm.

  5. Mandy, I feel a bit of a wuss when I compare our dump of snow with what you have to contend with ... it's all part of me finding my feet again I guess.

    WITM - you're right. I remember saying to a friend at work, "what will I do if I break my leg" and she looked at me and said, "let's worry about that IF it happens hon" LOL.

  6. Sorry Boo, but your antagonistic relationship with the snow really has me laughing now. Listen, something has to give, and it's not going to be that knee high pile of white matter. You are going to have to accept the snow for what it is. Think of it as a family member that you didn't choose, but have to love. Once you have come to acceptance, then facilitate a loving conversation between your car and the snow. Unless the three of you learn to communicate, and with less tears, life is just going to be a rough go.

    There. Some gentle, loving advice from me, the person who lives in sunny California.

  7. Cripes - Neil hasn't changed a bit! Glad you're in touch. x

  8. Spent a lot of time this week snow shovelling, and after about 30 seconds I realised that you were right, and it sucks, exactly as you said.

    I'm glad your old friends have come back to find you. The same thing happened to me, exactly. It's a rare gift of this experience.

  9. Dan - let me let you in on a little secret. Because I am a woman, it is the CAR's fault.

    Martin - no he hasn't and it has been so good to talk with him :-)

    Roads - it's amazing isn't it? Truly amazing that you find each other, still get on just as easily, and it helps you to move on. It makes my heart smile