I managed to get my car off the driveway and returned to work properly today.
It was so good to be back in the office, catching up with friends and colleagues. It was also good to eat lunch there, because due to my lack of motivation to cook for myself (it makes me too sad to cook without Cliff here), eating at work ensures that I eat a balanced diet.
Quite a few people noticed that I'd lost weight over the holidays, but I'm not surprised I did ... I'm amazed I survived the holidays and the first anniversary, on a mental level at least. It's such a relief that they are all over ... it was very hard, but as one of my team said to me today, I will "never have to do the first Christmas, New Year and Death-iversary again".
Yes, it's a relief to be back at work, and it's a relief to have those "firsts" under my belt.
It's evidence that I can do this. As hard as it may be, I have proved that it can be done.
That said, when I parked on the driveway this evening, it did feel as though I should be rewarded for having jumped over all those hurdles. Almost as if I would be getting him back because I had accomplished getting through the first year. How ludicrous is that?
I sat in my car crying, speaking to Cliff, asking him why he couldn't come back ... and I realized, there is no tangible reward coming. The reward is finding my new balance, my new life, my new equilibrium.
Yes, I am expected to be happy about that.
Now that's ludicrous.