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Monday, January 11, 2010

Back at work


I managed to get my car off the driveway and returned to work properly today.

It was so good to be back in the office, catching up with friends and colleagues. It was also good to eat lunch there, because due to my lack of motivation to cook for myself (it makes me too sad to cook without Cliff here), eating at work ensures that I eat a balanced diet.

Quite a few people noticed that I'd lost weight over the holidays, but I'm not surprised I did ... I'm amazed I survived the holidays and the first anniversary, on a mental level at least. It's such a relief that they are all over ... it was very hard, but as one of my team said to me today, I will "never have to do the first Christmas, New Year and Death-iversary again".

Yes, it's a relief to be back at work, and it's a relief to have those "firsts" under my belt.

It's evidence that I can do this. As hard as it may be, I have proved that it can be done.

That said, when I parked on the driveway this evening, it did feel as though I should be rewarded for having jumped over all those hurdles. Almost as if I would be getting him back because I had accomplished getting through the first year. How ludicrous is that?

I sat in my car crying, speaking to Cliff, asking him why he couldn't come back ... and I realized, there is no tangible reward coming. The reward is finding my new balance, my new life, my new equilibrium.

Yes, I am expected to be happy about that.

WTF?

Now that's ludicrous.

5 comments:

  1. So glad to know that work is a safe haven for you Boo.

    All of this is ludicrous.

    ~Dan

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  2. This is, in some ways, the hardest thing about these anniversaries.

    You invest so much time and emotional energy in worrying about them, before they happen. When they're over, you heave a sigh of relief.

    Then, at a certain point a few days later, you suddenly find yourself thinking (maybe in the car on the driveway) -- Well, what now?

    For a moment, it looks like nothing has really changed. You got through the holidays, but beyond that, there's so much more time stretching out ahead of you. And it's all uncharted.

    But the truth is, things have changed, and so have you. Evidence exists now, that you can get through this, even as grief tries to call you back (as it will).

    It's quite disorienting. What you need to do is to consolidate, and build on your achievements. Maybe re-group. Gird your loins, and set yourself another target or two, some way out there.

    People always say One day at a time. But the truth is that, at a certain point, you start to glimpse the road a little way ahead. It's not all that appealing, and it's definitely not easy. But there's a way forward, if you can give yourself the time and patience to find it.

    Spirits up.

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  3. By the way, I love your choice of image. At a certain level, Marriott's picture is aspirational advertising.

    And at another, it's crassly sexist innuendo.

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  4. Roads, as always, I love your honesty (in saying that grief will call me back, for example) ... I think that being told the truth along this journey is one of the most helpful gifts.

    I chose the image because I loved their strapline, and my sense of humour was, still is, very dark ... i.e. hmmmm, now what's missing from that photo. And yes, it is crass and sexist, however I do agree that it is aspirational. And I identify with the image these days!

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