Wednesday, December 9, 2009

This week, day by day

Monday - I meet some of the girls from work, as well as David, Faye and their beautiful baby (Benjamin) for lunch. It is the first time I've seen the baby and I am too scared to cuddle him lest I cry in front of everyone. Babies equate life and hope and possibilities and dreams. He is such a happy, content and cute baby, and I am so proud to watch their parenting skills. I have missed Faye more than I realized and gulp when I hug her.

After lunch I sadly realize that it is not often that I eat with anyone. I mean, I eat breakfast and lunch every weekday, at my desk. I don't really eat supper, unless you count sharing a bowl of Special K with Red Berries with my dogs. I miss cooking. I miss eating with Cliff.

Three people tell me that I am losing too much weight. WTF do they expect me to do about it?

Tuesday - Gary and Shaun begin work on the front of our home. They refuse to accept any money for their labour, insisting that I am only allowed to pay for materials and fuel. As the day progresses, I grow more nauseous, dreading my return home ... in case they are still on the roof. I know that I shall look for him. I know it will break me. I know I shall sob. Thankfully, they have left when I pull up on the drive.

Wednesday - I keep thinking. About the fall. Cliff fell 30 feet off a roof 3 years ago. He landed on his back - onto concrete steps. At ER they said that if he hadn't been so fit, and so well-built that he would not have survived the fall. All he suffered was 3 broken ribs, albeit excruciatingly painful at the time. It feels now, that we were given a second chance, perhaps. But, more darkly, I keep thinking about the fact that in retrospect ... Cliff aged fairly rapidly (not discernible at the time, yet it seems so now) after that fall ... until he died. And the reason he fell was because the person holding the ladder wasn't doing it properly.

I am scared that I am going to be consumed by hatred. I talk to a colleague about it. I make myself shut up and park it in that deep dark place.

Thursday - Gary calls me in the evening to talk about the work on the house. Then he blurts out, "I got a bit freaked today ... I went down to Cliff's big shed at the bottom of the garden to fetch some timber ... and I heard someone mumbling behind me ... but when I turned round no one was there. I found Shaun on the driveway cutting tiles at the front of the house, and both the dogs were indoors. I've never experienced anything like that in my entire life. It's done my head in a bit."

I tell him that he shouldn't be scared and he says he isn't. I tell him that it makes sense. He was on Cliff's territory and he's helping me. Cliff always mumbled.

When I say goodbye to Gary, I smile. I ask Cliff if he's supervising them both. He feels close.

Friday - a colleague is very chirpy and I make some inane comment, "you sound happy". "Yes," she replies, "my husband's coming home tonight." Hmmm ... thanks for sharing that with me.


  1. No wonder you have been so quiet this week. Pretty heavy one to carry around!

    (((HUGS))) sweetie!

  2. monday - ignore the people who cruelly don't understand that preparing a meal for one is incredibly difficult. they aren't your people. as for the weight. just pay attention to it. don't get to low and eat as best you can.

    tuesday - Gary and Shaun seem to know they need to be off and gone. i like them.

    wednesday - i'm glad you have someone to talk to and as for deep dark places, i know about those. it's okay. just keep getting it out. don't let it eat you up.

    thursday - i had to smile. i'm glad you get to live with where you do with all your fixed memories and Cliff's mumbling around you. i know Cliff is close to you. he's watching over you all the time.

    friday - as the weeks and months go by for you it seems the people around you get stupid. they forget and say this stuff without thinking that it will carve you up inside.

    i'm sorry it was a rough week. i understand all that you've said, and especially all that you didn't. somehow, someway, we will keep walking. one foot in front of the other. you'll hear mumbling and maybe feel a breeze brush your face. i'll hear dragon's wings and dream of an island where he might be waiting.

    also, i'm here, as well as your other "sisters." we're watching over you, too. we won't let you fall.

  3. I'm fine ... it's interesting to review a week at once ... the little mental struggles that we go through. Like chasing away the proverbial monster that's hiding under a child's bed ... grief is weird to say the least!

  4. I liked the week format of this post. It allows us to look back with some clarity of distance - to see how all the little events added up. Despite everything that happened, you made it through the week! And I should add with a lot of strength and honesty. How many other people out there have the courage to fear that they are going to be consumed by hatred and put it out there as you did? I give you a lot of credit.

  5. Please forgive us insensitive people that babble without thinking that our words may be painful--we know not what we do.

    Of course Cliff was there--overseeing what kind of job the guys were doing. Of course he is interested...he wants you to be sung in your home and safe.

    If only we could step through that door and over into that other "room" where they reside now...just for a few minutes, we would learn of how it is and that they are always near to those who love them still.

  6. Boo - those dark places - I call them "black holes" - are so weird in the way we are walking along and bam - "how did I get down here?" The tiniest things - the biggest things - BAM! Sending you love and strength across the miles between.

  7. WITM - I am humbled by your words. I never think of myself as courageous!

    Jude - you are NEVER insensitive ... far from it. Yes, if only ... it would make this journey far easier.

    S - it's always the little things that deck us! You are so right.

    Hugs to you all xx