Monday - I meet some of the girls from work, as well as David, Faye and their beautiful baby (Benjamin) for lunch. It is the first time I've seen the baby and I am too scared to cuddle him lest I cry in front of everyone. Babies equate life and hope and possibilities and dreams. He is such a happy, content and cute baby, and I am so proud to watch their parenting skills. I have missed Faye more than I realized and gulp when I hug her.
After lunch I sadly realize that it is not often that I eat with anyone. I mean, I eat breakfast and lunch every weekday, at my desk. I don't really eat supper, unless you count sharing a bowl of Special K with Red Berries with my dogs. I miss cooking. I miss eating with Cliff.
Three people tell me that I am losing too much weight. WTF do they expect me to do about it?
Tuesday - Gary and Shaun begin work on the front of our home. They refuse to accept any money for their labour, insisting that I am only allowed to pay for materials and fuel. As the day progresses, I grow more nauseous, dreading my return home ... in case they are still on the roof. I know that I shall look for him. I know it will break me. I know I shall sob. Thankfully, they have left when I pull up on the drive.
Wednesday - I keep thinking. About the fall. Cliff fell 30 feet off a roof 3 years ago. He landed on his back - onto concrete steps. At ER they said that if he hadn't been so fit, and so well-built that he would not have survived the fall. All he suffered was 3 broken ribs, albeit excruciatingly painful at the time. It feels now, that we were given a second chance, perhaps. But, more darkly, I keep thinking about the fact that in retrospect ... Cliff aged fairly rapidly (not discernible at the time, yet it seems so now) after that fall ... until he died. And the reason he fell was because the person holding the ladder wasn't doing it properly.
I am scared that I am going to be consumed by hatred. I talk to a colleague about it. I make myself shut up and park it in that deep dark place.
Thursday - Gary calls me in the evening to talk about the work on the house. Then he blurts out, "I got a bit freaked today ... I went down to Cliff's big shed at the bottom of the garden to fetch some timber ... and I heard someone mumbling behind me ... but when I turned round no one was there. I found Shaun on the driveway cutting tiles at the front of the house, and both the dogs were indoors. I've never experienced anything like that in my entire life. It's done my head in a bit."
I tell him that he shouldn't be scared and he says he isn't. I tell him that it makes sense. He was on Cliff's territory and he's helping me. Cliff always mumbled.
When I say goodbye to Gary, I smile. I ask Cliff if he's supervising them both. He feels close.
Friday - a colleague is very chirpy and I make some inane comment, "you sound happy". "Yes," she replies, "my husband's coming home tonight." Hmmm ... thanks for sharing that with me.