I need to reconnect to the world soon.
I have lived in my lounge, since my heating and hot water went off, mainly because of the heater in here.
And rather than ask for help ... for some odd reason, I didn't want to ask the neighbour to come into the house on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or Boxing Day ... as if it would mean that he was trespassing on some kind of sacred ground or magic ... inexplicable, but I know what I felt.
It's time ... Cliff's candle is dying. I have kept vigil for what?
I don't know that either, but I'm glad I did it.
I wouldn't even answer my phone during that time ... choosing only to communicate, through my laptop to other widow/ers.
When I feel like this, it stresses me ... the phone, I mean.
It really fucking stresses me out ... because I need the downtime, I need to be alone with him and just be. I cope, I visit the deep dark place and I crawl out of it again. If I can't answer or use the phone, then I feel guilty that I can't in case I am upsetting people. Then I get cross with myself because I can't understand my own behaviour. It is what it is. I have to do it to cope. Fact. I'm okay, or not ... but speaking or the thought of is pushes me over the edge. WTF? Completely out of character, I know ... or is it? ... it is reminiscent of the times that Cliff accused me of sulking ... and I was not ... I simply could not find my voice because I was upset. Which made me appear as though I was in a funk.
They'll get over it, whereas I am not going to get over losing Cliff. Fact.
But still ....
Anyway, I am going to have to surgically remove the laptop from my body because although it has served its purpose for the duration ... and I have expressed so much of what I feel and think about, writing through my pain and fear and hope ... and some of the stuff I read really helped me (when added to my already existing beliefs) ... I think I started to delve too deeply, you know. I mean, WTF am I looking for him in cyber-space? I am not going to find him here, or solve any mysteries, or find the answers that I seek so desperately to find.
Branching out from my last post about scientific research, I started rummaging around the NDE site, and read an experience written by a respected and qualified scholar on the subject who has lived through a near death experience (NDE). It is quite long to read, but I was trained to speed-read many years ago, so that fact did not hinder me. I found it fascinating, believable, and comforting, right up till the very last line, when her statement literally sent me reeling, into a panic attack, bringing with it further grief and sadness, more loss ... and then I remembered womanNshadow's cries that she had been told that when we die, in our after-life, we are no longer married, and her anguish about it. The statement that I read conveyed the self same message and I freaked out. BIG STYLE.
"... This gift, the Earth life given to us, comes with a catch: We are to give the gift back. We cannot keep the life we have on the Earth realm, not our possessions or attachments or relationships. What we can keep is our memories and our feelings of what we have integrated into our heart of hearts from the experience of being here, plus the love we have shared with others..."
How can she SAY that? And so calmly! Does she not fucking love her husband? Or what! I am tortured, anguished and my thoughts are finally, starting to leave the fear behind me. I am parking it in that trunk on the beach. The one with the padlock and the key. But it decked me ... just as it did my friend.
... and now I feel embarrassed because I remember leaving her a comment saying something to the effect of ... if you read something that you cannot identify with, that goes against your beliefs you can choose to ignore it ... no one on earth knows what happens after we die.
It's not that simple, is it? I wish I hadn't been so glib in that comment. Until it's happened to you, you really don't know.
Like I said .... step awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay from the laptop.
I promise I will ... and it will be today.