Friday, December 25, 2009

The real thing

At precisely one minute past midnight - the time when Cliff and I would kiss each other, "Happy Christmas, darling," and savour a cocktail, or vodka, coke & ice, or some bubbles ... perhaps straight after a firework or two going off at midnight, as we settled by tree to exchange gifts ...

... I lit two candles. One for the Dragon and one for my husband. I said, "Happy Christmas, Baba ... Happy Christmas, Dragon."

Yes, I cried.

I spoke to him, I kissed his photo, and the scatter-tube that holds his ashes*.

But now, with the lights dimmed, surrounded by my sleepy dogs, the light from those two candles is making the lounge seem so peaceful. There is strength coming from the light that they are in our lives.

Two fearless men.

Two women trying to overcome their fears.

And two warm beautiful candles.

I am no longer tensed up dreading, fearing even ... Christmas.

It is here.

It's OK.

It was the right decision, thankfully, to be here alone.

I needed to do this, and I've done it. I can breath easy again, literally.

I didn't do it alone though, womanNshadows and I have held hands thoughout the evening. I wish there wasn't a time zone difference, because there is no way I can stay up till 05h00, then drive down to the coast on icy roads. And when I am driving there, she will be dreaming of her Dragon <3

I am going to sit here and let the candle-light wash over me, soothe me and bask in the peacefulness of the moment.

And think about the two candles burning in North Carolina for Cliff and the Dragon too.

Tomorrow, I am spending the day with Manda and Mick and sharing Christmas Dinner with them. I'm sure that is also the right decision. I shouldn't stay alone on Xmas Day, but Xmas Eve is different. It was ours.

*I'm glad they are still here for today, and that I haven't yet taken him down to Malcolm ... but will do before the New Year ... hmmm, perhaps straight after the New Year, so that the fireworks are still ready for a weekend in January 2010, provided Marcus is going to be in the UK.


  1. i am glad you were there for me and it was soothing to be there for you. i smiled even, waiting for your next comment. sending mine along. it was almost like i wasn't alone. my "sister" was out there in the dark, sitting by candles for our men.

    drive carefully tomorrow. i will be thinking of you.

    good-night Cliff. i know you will take care of her tonight.

  2. me too, I mean, that's how I felt. And WITM cooking pizza for her boys and dropping in too :-)

    I hope they come to us tonight, I think they will.

    I am going to snooze on the sofa for a while. If I wake up during the night, I will go to bed, but it's warm in here and I feel peaceful here.

    Nite nite for now xx

  3. Happy Christmas! I'm so glad your evening went well. I kept so busy all afternoon, wrapped gifts for the kids, and made dinner. Just as I started serving dinner I lost it.

    Oh well, spent most of the day dry. The kids were great about it, very supportive.

    Drive safely tomorrow.


  4. Well done Dan, I'm glad your kids were supportive, and saw that you went out for dinner - what a great idea.

    Happy Christmas!

  5. Your evening, difficult as it was, in the end seems peaceful and calm. Mine ended up strangely not being as bad as I expected. I think the difference for me was the exchange of comments through all of our blogs that brought me a sense of peace and connection. I am so glad you and wNs were holding hands across the miles and sharing in the light of your candles. Dan had some candles lit too in his "fireplace."

  6. yes, we made it through, I am sure, because we knew we were there for each other ... I'm glad yours wasn't too bad either xx

  7. I know what you all are going through. I'm a widow too of a physician husband diagnosed with dementia when he was 64 and I 62. I had to learn to be alone for the first time in my life. I wrote a memoir about how I went about finding a life of passion and purpose again. It's called Moving to the Center of the Bed: The Artful Creation of a Life Alone. Please see my website or I feel for everyone who has to go it alone.

  8. Sheila, thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a message. I will check out your book on Amazon.

    I wish you a peaceful holidays and more happiness for 2010 ... and hope that you are coping alright through these nostalgic dates.