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Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year's Eve 2009


It's coming and I'm still fighting it.
Why can't I accept that I cannot change that which will have its way?
Why do I persist, in making it a harder battle, by fighting the tide?

My head knows this for a fact.

My heart, obstinately, stubbornly, illogically - is a maverick. It never gives up. Even at the cost of further heartbreak.
Why won't my head and heart communicate?
They are like an old cantankerous couple who never speak to each other anymore.
They are the antithesis of what Cliff and I were as a couple.
Yet, it still persists on resisting.

Resistance is futile.
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This time ... between Christmas Night and New Year's Eve ... has been a time of reflection, memories, love, love, and more love ... an admission of realization, a time for mourning, feeling the loss to the greatest extent that I have so far, a time for him, for us ... a downtime.

This time last year
This time last year
This time last year

ad infinitum ... or should that be ... ad nauseum?

It is what it is.

It is already past midnight in Australia.
It's coming.
I can see the translucent, faded water colours of him, and they follow me around the house ... even the fireworks in the garden appear thus. I remember exactly what he was wearing ... this time last year. Those clear blue eyes. The love. The hugs.
I wish it were January the 8th.

I shall be able to expel these demons yet still keep the water colours when January the 8th is here.

This is like being in an alternate existence. On a different plane ...
I have shut down and will not let anyone trespass on this time. It is sacred and even if I can't explain it, I know that I must do this.

I've earned this time. I've lost my husband, I've had two periods this month thanks to the two full moons, I've had to drive in the snow, I've had to not have hot water or heating, I've had to admit that he's dead.
I've sat here, arms outstretched, willing and begging the water colours to solidify, brighten and hold me once again.

I hold him in my heart.
Fuck 2010 and fuck 2009.
Bring on 2010. He'll always be with me, and I with him. No one and nothing will ever break that. Many tried, and failed miserably. We had a closeness many would not even begin to understand, would not be able to define even ... our souls are still entwined, just as the palm trees where we married are.

Time is insignificant when placed beside eternity.

Happy New Year, darling. I'm beginning to understand. I know that you have more to teach me, possibly even more than you already have.
I may fall over. But you taught me never to give up. Ever. My trust in you and my love for you knows no bounds, and I feel your love all around me.
I don't care what the date is. It's just another day.
But still, I wish it was January the 8th 2010.
At least I'm not saying I wish it was 15 years ago, 10 years ago, 5 years ago ...

Perhaps I'm not battling after all, just dreading the feeling, the pain swelling as Big Ben strikes midnight, hearing the fireworks.

I must try to remember that the anticipation is always worse than the reality.
After all, I watched him take his last breath. What could be worse than that?
Tomorrow I can cast off my self-imposed vows of solitude.

I can emerge and transform, learn and grow.

Tomorrow. And I can take yesterday along me with the ride.

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Happy New Year.
Please raise your glasses to the kindest, sweetest, gentlest man I ever knew at midnight. I shall.

... and please don't expect me to answer the phone.
I still can't.

9 comments:

  1. my glass will be raised. another candle lit.

    your time alone to go into yourself and dream, think, cry, ponder; it's all sacred. you have to do it. people don't do it enough. Pascal said it: all human evil comes from a single cause, man's inability to sit still in a room.

    you have experienced the worst thing in your life. and now you are working to experiencing the most profound experience in your life ~ feeling his presence around you, trusting and believing. it's an up and down road. mostly an upward climb. but you have made the start and know yourself well.

    we are alike in that we pull inward when in pain. when we meet in San Diego, we will reach out. i look forward to meeting you. btw, since your phone call, i hear your voice when i read your words.

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  2. and I shall toast the Dragon <3

    xxx

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  3. We have survived another year! May 2010 bring us peace, a bit of happiness, real smiles, and beautiful friendships! I raise my glass to my Dan, your Cliff, and Kim's Warren! To our angels and soul mates, watching and protecting us everyday. Here's to 3 of the most beautiful and courageous women I know!! Much love to you Boo!

    Huge Hugs!
    Mandy

    PS. My Grandmother's surgery went perfectly, and she is doing great. Thank you for your thoughts, and words of encouragement!

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  4. Happy New Year hon, and I shall raise mine to Dan :-) xx

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  5. Hi Boo. I just posted you at 12:01am, but it disappeared.

    Happy New Year.

    I raised my diet pepsi to you and Cliff, and to all the other's that visit your blog.

    love. Dan

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  6. My dearest Sister Boo - oh I shall raise my glass to Cliff, to you and to all my sisters and brothers in sorrow. Tomorrow is not yet here - our memories are precious - be as gentle with yourself as you can be......much love.

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  7. Dan and Suzann, my love and strength is reaching over the ocean to you. Happy New Year xxx

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  8. My family and I stood around my phone on speaker phone as we listened to your voicemail. We stepped away, and I thought "Now that's family." My dearest friend, Warren and Cliff have surely met... I have blurry tears in my eyes as I type.... the pain unspeakable, the love unmeasurable, but you are in my heart. You and your beautiful Cliff. I can't wait for the day we all get to meet togther...and reminisce of all we went through to get them. I can see them now.... "That's my girl."

    LOVE YOUXXXXXXXX

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  9. I believe they've met too, and also that they must share many characteristics as they happen to share the same birthday :-)

    thanks for your lovely message, it was lovely to wake up to and has set my mood in a positive light for today.

    Strength, Kim, onwards. Love you too xxx

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