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Sunday, December 20, 2009

More snoo-snoo


There are cars driving down my road this morning, which means that I will be able to go to work tomorrow. Hoorah!

It also means that I have to find the shovel and clear the snow off my drive.

I've never had to do that before.

I can do it, but it feels wrong.

It is something that Cliff would have done. I actually half expected him to rescue me, hence my choice of picture for this post ... although if the photo were actually of him, he'd have been muscular with a much cuter backside, and adorned with the broadest, shapeliest back and shoulders that you ever saw.

I never had a problem with the fact that our relationship was equal, YET ...

when push came to shove, HIS was the final decision we agreed upon.

I've always been happy being a woman, and never desired to be a man. I always knew that I was lucky ... that sometimes the hardest decisions were not mine to make, nor was I accountable for them. And I always respected him for that.

When you are married to an alpha male, to be privileged to have that light shine upon you, bathe you gently ... only to have it abruptly taken away ...

is cruel. It makes it so hard.

I miss you, Baba, each and every day ... and not just because I've got to shovel snow.

9 comments:

  1. we have to do it all now. so many things they would get up and go do for us, and though we are so grateful, we got used to it. now the cruel reality of life without them reminds us with every one of those tasks.

    shoveling snow is a great way to get rid of some anger. maybe you could build a snowman that is muscular and has a broad shapely back. i'm going to vicariously look at snow falling in Rockport via webcam and dream of my Dragon. double edged sword. he died in Feb. when there was 2 feet of snow on the ground and mountains plowed up to 10 feet. Feb. full moon will be the hardest of all.

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  2. I know the sadness that comes when we have to do the jobs that he would always do without even thinking about them. Somehow having to complete the task makes the grief stab even deeper into our hearts.

    But on a different note, that picture CRACKS ME UP! I had to do a double take when I clicked on your post! Where I live in Canada, snow usually comes with very cold temperatures and it would have to be a very brave or crazy man who would shovel in the buff! Thanks for the giggle this morning!

    Hugs, Debbie

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  3. yep, you're both very right.

    Glad the picture made you giggle, it did me too :-)

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  4. Go for it, Boo!

    We've had snow here too and the Lotus, Celia's Lotus has shown how you deal with it. With style and amplomb!

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  5. LOVE the photo!! I know exactly what you mean... last winter, the idiot who plowed our driveway did a lousy job - Matt was a perfectionist, even when it came to plowing, so my standards were high, and I ended up shoveling way more than I should have had to. No snow to worry about this year. Stay warm! xoxo

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  6. Hi Boo.

    I just wanted to drop by and say hello. I hope the snow let up, and that you are able to get around safely tomorrow.

    Love the snow angel.

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  7. AnonW - LOTUS - One, BMW - NIL grrrr

    Andrea - am glad you don't have to worry about this this year! Enjoy!

    Dan - I got stuck in the snow today and am about to blog about it. I loved the snow angel too - it's me imagining Cliff coming back to rescue me!!

    xxx

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  8. I'm totally with you on this - I've always loved being a woman and have had no problem letting the men in my life "handle" the guy stuff while I focus on what is considered more of the female aspects.

    When our loved ones die, we do not have the perspective to be able to look ahead and really comprehend all that we will be missing. That is why it is just so painful to wake up one day to a snowstorm and realize that we're the ones who have to shovel the drive. The grief catches up with us months after the loss when we least expect it. We think we're doing better or managing and then something as basic as a snowstorm seems to set us back.

    What really gets me is that no one tells us about the snow during those early days of grief. I wish someone had warned me about it, as well as the gas I'd need to start pumping on my own, and the yardwork, and figuring out the taxes..

    The photo is adorable and made my day. Thank you so much for posting it. I will get a chuckle remembering it often during this upcoming winter season!

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  9. WITM - thanks so much, you are very right ... if we were to write a list of what we would miss, and what would change, it would be infinite wouldn't it? I like the picture too - it makes me smile and I'm glad it had the same effect for you and everyone else. The more smiles we can muster the better xxx

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