Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The longest journey

It took me 4 hours and 15 minutes to get home last night.

I got stuck in the snow twice but an angel pushed my car onwards. The angel was a builder. The type of builder that my husband was (is) ... always helping people.

I skidded a few times too. At the time I thought, "ok, what did Owen and Gerard tell me to do ... ah yes, steer the direction you are going," which I did. The sidewalk stopped me. I still haven't checked my car for damage. NOT YET.

I cried a few times too. It was so frightening ... Cliff always drove me when it snowed. And I'm not saying I was tired, but the windscreen wipers seemed to be moving in some kind of Hawaiian dancing girl / trance motion. On the motorway, the car slipped a couple of times, so I stayed in the middle lane and drove at 40 mph (YES I DID, JENNIFER!) which proved to me that my self-preservation has kicked in. Only two months ago, I would have driven in the fast lane and couldn't have cared less if I'd died.

One of the medics at work asked me what car I had yesterday. I told him and he replied, "hmmm, BMWs have a rear wheel drive so you shouldn't really drive them in the snow," and I said, "really?" I mean, I am clueless, CLUELESS! I didn't even know that my car had a rear wheel drive. Jesus wept. I feel like a child. I used to love being childlike, being with Cliff. But these days, I feel childish which is an entirely different state of being.

Clearly, I got home safely. And even though I cried when I walked through the front door, I also felt pride when I said, "I did it Baba, I made it through the snoo-snoo."


  1. oh, Boo. so hard to drive in the snow, in the dark, alone, when you are tired, and missing him. but you did do it. i wonder if Cliff was chewing his fingernails watching over you. coincidence that it was a builder who was the angel? i'm going with, not. Cliff knew the type - his type. honest men. honest labor. the kind who help women in distress. they'd want the same protection extended to their wives and daughters.

    you are being watched over by so many. it doesn't feel like it until it happens. you feel alone and lost, scared about things that you would have scoffed at if Cliff were a phone call away.

    i'm glad you are now staying in the "middle lane." i tell myself that my Dragon wants me in my own "middle lane" where it's safer so that i can try to have the life (or close to it) we'd planned on. Cliff is so much like my Dragon. big man. big hands. strong. can bust someone's nose and then turn around and tenderly wipe away your tears. i know Cliff wants to you live all the days of your life. then he'll want to see you come tearing into your hereafter at him to tell him all about all the things you did because of him, because you love him so much and you lived for him.

    if you don't post again before Christmas, i'll be thinking of you as i always do. if you do post, then hey, i'm always here. love to you.

  2. Stay safe and dry, dearest Boo, and know how very much you are loved. Merry Christmas!
    Love, Marty

  3. wNs - you always know what to say to me. I will be posting, probably even on Xmas Day! Can you email me your phone number so I can call you over the holidays? xx

    Marty - bless you, it was lovely to receive a note from you. I can't express how much you have helped me this year xx

  4. Here's a trick from the Chicago girl that has mastered driving in the snow. Since you have rear wheel drive, get a bag of sand or salt to put in the trunk. It will weigh the rear end down more, and it'll make the traction a little bit better!! Good luck my love! :)

  5. Mandy, I have heard that in Chicago, people actually put flags on top of their cars so that they can identify their own car in the snow, so I know you know what you are talking about! Thanks for the tip. I will buy some salt/grit, so that I can use it, and so that it helps weigh down the car too! Love to you xx

  6. Hey Boo,

    So the Snoo Snoo angel comes to the rescue once again! I hope he was wearing a bit more than the last one, as the conditions sound very cold. Frost bite is known to be a serious hazzard for snoo snoo angels, and having a cute ass is of no help here.

    Seriously though, I'm so please to know you got through that scary journey home. I have never had to deal with snow, as it doesn't happen for us in San Francisco. But I have had to take on more than I felt able to do, and I identify with the feeling of panic. I have often told my kids that as a guy, as the dad, I don't get to ask someone else to take on what scares me. They sometimes think I'm not afraid of anything. Far from it. I just tell myself that I will somehow get through this, maybe not it one piece, but I'll get there none the less.

    Sounds like you channeled all the great help that Cliff gave you over the years, and put it into action. He is likely very proud. We are all very proud of you.

  7. It is so hard to drive on your own in inclement weather when you are not used to it. And when you were able to rely on a strong, dependable husband. I blogged so much about resenting having to shovel and drive in the snow last winter, I started to bore myself! It was a hard, long and cold Midwest winter. I actually got a terrible case of tennis elbow that lasted for months from the constant motion of having to scrape off ice from the van's windows!

    As Dan and everyone else said, we're all proud of you. Know that you have a place to share your experiences and frustrations. We'll be here to cheer you on and build up your confidence.

  8. Dan, you had me laughing out loud at my desk with your first paragraph, thank you :-)

    It must be amazingly hard for you actually, because people just expect men to cope with anything (I know I'm guilty of that). I think most men are superhuman beings!

    Thanks so much for saying you are proud of me - that means so much xxx

    WITM - sometimes I feel like I am whining endlessly, so it is good to hear that you are cheering me on and also that you are proud of me. I love that. It's like a taste of him saying it, you know? xxx