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Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve 2009

Last night my hot water and heating decided to stop working.

As if today and tomorrow is not hard enough to endure already ...

and being afflicted with that inexplicable widow's aversion to asking someone to help (why, oh god why, do we insist on making life harder for ourselves. WHAT. IS. SO. HARD. ABOUT. ASKING. THE. GUY. NEXT. DOOR. TO. RE-SET. THE. BOILER? - assuming that's all that's wrong - eeek ... now I AM worrying.)

Last night I kept waking up because I was so damn cold, and it just accentuates, literally UNDERLINES and EMBOLDENS, the fact that Cliff is gone.

I went to work today for the last time till January 4th. When it came to 11h30 (when we were told to pack up) I was gulping for air ... I wanted to scream and sob and be held by someone who cared whilst confessing to the world that I didn't want time off work, I didn't want to go home because home isn't really home anymore without Cliff in residence ... and I didn't want to face the fact that it IS Christmas Eve. To me, it is not. How can it be?

At a minute past midnight I shall light a candle for the light that Cliff is in my life. As far as I'm concerned, this is all a ghastly mistake ... Cliff should be here with me, the house should be warm, and at a minute past midnight, we should be kissing each other and exchanging gifts.

WTF happened? How can this be?

He IS Christmas. He IS home.

I don't want to face this and can only identify with this song today.

Here are the lyrics:

As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head"
This time no
This time no"

We'll be washed and buried one day my girl
And the time we were given will be left for the world
The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague
So let the memories be good for those who stay

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"
Yes, my heart told my head"
This time no
This time no"

Oh the shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved
Was the same that sent me into your arms
Oh and pestilence is won when you are lost and I am gone
And no hope, no hope will overcome

And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"
And my head told my heart

"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

6 comments:

  1. Hi Boo.

    We are having the same kind of day. I am here in the office, fortunately for me there are only a handful of people who bothered to show up. I'm not looking forward to going home, as I need to put on my game face and bring cheer to the kids. I have to wrap the gifts that Michael usually took such care to do.

    I'm going to try to be gentle on myself. Give myself what I need, treat myself good today and tomorrow. I hope you do the same. I think we all need to keep in mind that there are many of us who will going through similar pain during this time. I'll likely be checking in on everyone's blog to be sure support is there if someone needs it.

    Let Cliff care for you today, as I am planning on Michael showing up for me.

    The song you provided was beautiful. I loved it.

    Dan

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  2. Dan, for some inexplicable reason, I kept thinking about you, wondering if you were in the same "place" as I am today :-(

    I'm sorry that you are, but equally, I'm not surprised either, unfortunately.

    Thanks for your understanding, empathy and solid advice ... in fact that's what I'm doing right now. I'm in alone with my dogs, ignoring the phone which won't stop ringing (just can't cope with talking to anyone right now because I know I will lose it and I don't want to over the phone for some reason).

    Tomorrow I will talk to loved ones ... family and friends ... whilst at my friend's for xmas dinner.

    Right now, it's me, my dogs and my tears. They need to come, they are sacred and healing, and their release today will enable some strength to shine through tomorrow.

    Dan, it is a beautiful song, esp. to the bereaved at this time of year ... a year ago I would have thought of it as an awful depressive song, but not today!

    Please ensure that you take your own advice on board my friend, OK? I too will be signing on tomorrow - I'm compelled to keep in touch with my inner sanctum :-) esp. tomorrow ... it feels right and I want to too.

    Peace and strength for the next couple of days
    xx

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  3. the web is the new Heartbreak Hotel. i'm sewing. i'm crying. i'm sitting with my head in my hands. my son has called. my daughter will be going to her mother-in-laws for the "couples only" evening. she is pissed. i no longer care. there is nothing out there in the world, this one, here where i live, that is connecting with me. i feel like a ghost in my own life.

    it's Dragon handkerchiefs tonight. i'm taking a break from commission work. i cannot focus on anything but dragons and i don't want to screw anything up.

    i like your song. shall i say it in a maudlin voice? "it speaks to me." i've been playing a song by Loudon Wainwright. "i'd rather be dreaming than living. livings just too hard to do. it's chances not choices. it's noises not voices. a days just a thing to get through. livings just too hard to do." i wonder if i can upload it to my blog so that it relentless plays while everyone reads.

    i'll be here. i'll be checking back. i'll be posting something i'm concocting (<~ does that look right?) for the stroke of midnight. because you know, i'll be awake.

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  4. We are, therefore, as I suspected, mirror images of each other ... if you replace your magic needle with a Marlboro Lite (in my case). As far as I am concerned, Santa is DEAD. I wish we all had millions, so we could have chartered a ship for us all, so that we could have all been together for these few days. But we are together in spirit and in cyberspace ... and have you chosen which hand you are on Dan's tree. I am going to go and check xxx

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  5. I am right there with all of you. I hope when Santa makes his journey, he will kindly look down onto the roof tops of some kindred spirits from the West Coast, Midwest, East Coast and England and give us all a nod of love and encouragement.

    Boo - You made it to work and got through it. You managed to endure some pretty horrible weather the past few weeks. It is unfair and unfortunate that hot water heaters don't have a better sense of timing as to when to break. But you've done so much and even made so many of us laugh by posting the photo of the naked angel shoveling snow! I don't know what I'm trying to say - maybe just to acknowledge all you've handled and done. So now you are entitled to feel the pangs of sadness and hurt as we all are tonight. I don't think any of us expect the season to be without its tears.

    I'm imagining that cruise ship you talked about. Along with Dan's Tree of Hands, it is giving me some lovely visions in my head and even a smile on my face!

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  6. WITM, thanks for your encouragement. I think my obstacles pale into insignificance compared to some of the hurdles you have had to overcome and work through though, in truth.

    Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a baby, but at 45 I'm a little long in the tooth to teach new tricks!

    I'm happy you are smiling.

    xx

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