Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Motorbikes and Hummingbirds

For some reason I seem to notice nature more now. I mean the beauty and brilliance of a sunset (which I associate with Cliff), amazing landscapes, misty mornings over a field ... it gives me comfort somehow, and I have no idea why. Whilst reading the news on the BBC site at lunchtime, I came across this wonderful clip of a hummingbird. It is truly amazing, so am sharing it here.

Driving home I felt very emotional today. I could feel the loss, my grief rising deep from within me ... and then this song came on:

and I lost it completely. We used to listen to this a lot ... and it's another one of those tunes that's morphed itself into something apt for today too.

Driving on the M25 lends itself as a good reason to get to grips with your emotional state ... crying isn't conducive at all to driving safely. And so I did, then a truck with Dutch plates decided to swing over into my lane (I was doing 80 mph) so I swerved half way into the fast lane ... causing car behind me to brake, but hey ... not my fault. He started freaking out and I managed to stay very calm ... but I really wished he'd been in the car with me. Because then I would have FELT calm.

Another thing that I can't explain is that I seem to worry about motorbikes more these days ... there was one next to me tonight ... and I saw him look at the truck next to him ... he seemed so small compared to it ... and I just willed him to get past, but I could sense his hesitance, so I held back the traffic in my lane and waved him in front of me ... I just don't want someone to open the door to the worst news of their lives. I know I'm not omnipotent by any means, but find myself doing this for motorbikes a lot these days. It just worries me.

Cliff used to say, "oh there goes another bunch of flowers on a lamp-post" in his own dark sense of humour (which I share). I still share that sense of humour, even more so these days, yet I want to help them avoid morphing themselves into that bunch of flowers, you know?

WTF is THAT about?


  1. i know what you mean about everything changing. perceptions of things. i can't explain it either but i guess we have a heightened sensitivity to things. i don't think it's all that odd to worry about motorcyclists. i mean, i could say something a little horrid and irreverent like my Dragon would and say, "who wants to run over one? imagine the thump, thump." sorry, but he was very irreverent. the more you talk about Cliff the more i think they would have been friends. my Dragon didn't make friends easily because of his constant need to lie to simple questions like, "where did you go on your business trip?" but i feel Cliff wouldn't have given too hoots about the sudden appearance of a new scar.

    the hummingbird is beautiful. i thought of your face when i listened to the song and felt the difference you feel. i don't know what it's all about. maybe our nerves are frayed. i know mine are with the idea of Christmas and New Year's coming.

  2. Your perception of Cliff is spot on.

    Yes, my nerves are frayed because I am hormonal, it is Bonfire Night (fireworks) tomorrow ... and my Dad's birthday, and Xmas and New Year are coming - dreading it all.

    Love to you

  3. Yes, those bunches of flowers do proliferate. Ghost bikes in London, too.

    I think that here in Britain we're becoming much more affected by grief, but in a rather inappropriate and excessively plastic-wrapped way. Enormous and entirely inappropriate outpourings of grief for celebrities we've never met -- think Princess Diana, George Best, Jade Goodie -- are a feature of our age.

    And yet we so often manage to write grief out of the script of our own lives. It's a mystery at times, it really is -- we'd like to become much more emotional and continental about facing up to pain, but somehow we still can't get there, and that's something we really need to fight to change.

  4. Roads, I totally agree. What's more, I wish that widowers were treated the same as widows ... I mean afforded the same support ... instead of being expected to don a "stiff upper lip" and find a replacement within 6 months ... it really irritates me.