It's been long enough now.
I've been good.
I've tried my hardest.
Now will you just come back?
I've had enough ....
I don't think I've really grasped the concept fully, you know? That he isn't coming back. That he can't. I think my mind only grasps what it can cope with, one step at a time. Rationally, I "get" the concept of death. But where Cliff is concerned, I just don't quite seem to be able to apply it to him.
Because it is too much. Because it will blow my mind apart. Because I will lose my sanity.
The whole Bonfire Night thing has blown my mind apart in itself.
Last night I could see the shadows of the flames from bonfires in the neighbourhood and I just kept wandering, lost in my own home again ... just as I did in the beginning ... searching for god only knows what, the sobs racking my body, the hysteria bubbling just below the surface.
It's at times like this that I seriously doubt my ability to do this.
I feel so weak, vulnerable, broken, incomplete, defeated.
Every firework exploding adds to the pain in my already heavy heart.
I hate them because he is not here to enjoy them with me.
"Can you meet me halfway, right at the borderline?
That's where I'm going to wait for you.
I'll be looking out, night and day.
Took my heart to its limit, and this is where I'll stay."