Saturday, November 7, 2009

It hurts

It's been long enough now.

I've been good.

I've tried my hardest.

Now will you just come back?

I've had enough ....

I don't think I've really grasped the concept fully, you know? That he isn't coming back. That he can't. I think my mind only grasps what it can cope with, one step at a time. Rationally, I "get" the concept of death. But where Cliff is concerned, I just don't quite seem to be able to apply it to him.

Because it is too much. Because it will blow my mind apart. Because I will lose my sanity.

The whole Bonfire Night thing has blown my mind apart in itself.

Last night I could see the shadows of the flames from bonfires in the neighbourhood and I just kept wandering, lost in my own home again ... just as I did in the beginning ... searching for god only knows what, the sobs racking my body, the hysteria bubbling just below the surface.

It's at times like this that I seriously doubt my ability to do this.

I feel so weak, vulnerable, broken, incomplete, defeated.

Every firework exploding adds to the pain in my already heavy heart.

I hate them because he is not here to enjoy them with me.

"Can you meet me halfway, right at the borderline?
That's where I'm going to wait for you.
I'll be looking out, night and day.
Took my heart to its limit, and this is where I'll stay."


  1. the pain of their not being here is insurmountable. your words are so accurate that nothing more needs be said. they aren't coming back but how long do we have to take this pain? i'm looking at the pieces of my broken heart but there aren't enough pieces there to put a whole heart back together because i gave most of it to him.

    as each week passes i keep thinking, this is the way it's going to be from now on? and i don't think i can do it either. i empathize strongly with what you've written. i wish there was something i could do, some magic wand for reversing time, or for bringing them back. but i lost my belief in magic when my Dragon died.

    i'm so sorry you're feeling so badly. i wish i could come sit with you, us to sit together by a fire and possibly not speak, but just not be so completely alone. you are in my thoughts. i wish peace for you. but if crying overwhelms then know that Cliff is one man who is worth all the tears you shed.

  2. It's like they are just away--on a trip somewhere and will be back in a few days or a week. That thought sometimes pops into my head when I first wake up and then the realization that, no...he is not "just" away...he is gone--forever.

  3. (((BIG HUGS)))) my sweet friend. I can't seem to get it through my head, either. I don't want to.

  4. You are all so right and the only thing I have to add is that I completely understand and share your feelings. The pain is overwhelming. I just want him back. Hugs and peace to everyone.

  5. I still find myself almost two years later thinking he's in Switzerland at CERN working on his thesis. I keep thinking he's going to walk through those doors at any minute. But I know he's gone and it still hurts.

    (((HUGS))) and peace my friend.

  6. i feel as though i cannot comprehend it more than i already have; i have reached my limit - if i begin to process more of what i already have i will shrivel, deflate, collapse. i feel as if maybe i already have.

  7. Thanks for all your comfort and words. Whilst it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in my struggle with this, it is awful to realize that I am given this comfort through your own pain and nightmares come true.

    Jude - welcome, I will check to see if you have a blog and read xx

  8. Holding you close in my thoughts -

  9. thanks Suzann, I've just read your blog and see that you also lost your husband to a stroke. Your journey is an inspiring one.