Saturday, November 14, 2009

I can see clearly now the rain has gone

I can.

It's become very apparent that for the last year of Cliff's life, he knew that time was running out. He was so in touch with his body and very fey.

I'm so sorry baba, I didn't understand.

He knew I wasn't strong enough. Even as his strength was being depleted, he tried to leave me in my little world where I was happy and safe.

I didn't know. I didn't understand why he was trying so hard to finish the house. Why it seemed less important to him to earn money instead of finishing our home.

It's all become crystal clear.

That's how much he loved me.

And I couldn't even grasp it.

I'm sorry baba.


  1. i look at photos of my Dragon and try to see it coming from hindsight. i look at his eyes. i look at the color of his skin. could i have stopped it? was there anything i could have done? why did we walk that day in that intense cold?

    i like the song reference. i'm sorry you're feeling this way. i understand it though. and from the photos i see of Cliff, i know he loves you. for some reason the photo you have over there, you know, to the right over there, in that photo i can see it in his eyes that he adores you and would do anything, any thing, to protect you. a man like him will love with his whole heart and soul. he gave all of himself to you.

    now that sounds really melancholy but think about it this way. if you have all he had to give, then all his love is still with you. if he was fey, then you know this is true. he would be able to manipulate anything. =0}

  2. thank you for talking me down. Was freaking out a bit (a lot!) there. You always seem to be able to talk me down. Love you for it. Hope I can do the same for you. Going to eat some ravioli now because I have starved myself all day .... just couldn't eat when the niggling realization became to obvious today.

  3. After reading your posts, I looked at the last pictures I took of David to see if I saw that...and looking at them now, I can see he was exhausted. He had big dark rings under his eyes from lack of sleep. He was working too hard to finish that damned degree.

    I wish that I had paid more attention to the small warning signs.

    (((HUGS))) <3

  4. Standing with you.......xoxoxo

  5. Lynette, the thing is that we naturally assume that it's normal to be tired when we work hard, and the other thing is that we naturally think that it's all part of the natural part of getting older. How CAN we see them as warning signs? But it doesn't make us feel any less guilty, even though we are not omnipotent and know it ... mea culpa <3

    Suzann, thank you for being here xx