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Thursday, November 5, 2009

Guy Fawkes

Tonight is Bonfire Night.

I. AM. DREADING. IT.

We always used to celebrate this big style, with lots of fireworks. To us, this day was as big as Christmas. Almost.

Even our rottweiler loved them. The year after we lost Hammer, I sat indoors cuddling my deaf (and therefore oblivious) dog, my voice waivering. I can remember saying to Cliff:

"Next year, I'll be okay ... I just can't do it this year."

It was too painful without my beautiful dog and the tears are rising as I think about it.

So there is no way I am going to cope with it this year.

My stomach is doing back-flips thinking about the drive home tonight in the dark ... I know I'll see fireworks all along the journey.

This is going to break me.

I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to be with anyone else.
I want to be with him.

It also happens to be my Dad's Birthday and I can't even go THERE right now.

Anyway what a stupid thing to celebrate ... the fact that Guy Fawkes almost blew up the Houses of Parliament ... doesn't that make him a terrorist?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guy_Fawkes_Night

I know that we, in reality, celebrate the fact that the plot was uncovered ... but I am in a contrary mood today.

So, how am I going to cope?

I'm not.

I'm going to get into bed early with a bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, my dogs and a book.

I'm going to ignore it.
I'm going to ignore the phone.
I'm going to ignore the door.

I don't want to know.

4 comments:

  1. ohhh, Boo. can you call someone to come be with you? just talk and ignore the world outside your door? being alone on a monumental day is terrible. trust me. through no choice of mine, my handful have been spent in utter seclusion trying in abject failure not to succumb to crying jags that won't stop. i wish with all my heart that you could have someone over.

    but i know that you will endure. you have too many of us wanting it to be so for you. i will have you in my thoughts throughout today as it turns to night for you across the pond. i am so sorry you are so down. i wish there was more i could do. =o{

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  2. sending your support means a lot to me, so you have done plenty :-)

    To be honest, I feel like having a good cry, so I'll do that and feel better for it afterwards and get an early night.

    Things will look brighter in the morning ... a new dawn, a new day HUGS

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  3. I hope that your night went okay. I knew about the historical Guy but didn't know that it involved fireworks and bonfires. Hopefully someday, you can enjoy it like you used to.

    Cry if you want to...we understand. Feel better!!! (((HUGS))) <3 <3 <3

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  4. thanks Lynette ... am bit better, but still feel a bit wobbly today. There weren't too many fireworks in the end - I guess there will be at the weekend or tonight :-(

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