Tonight is Bonfire Night.
I. AM. DREADING. IT.
We always used to celebrate this big style, with lots of fireworks. To us, this day was as big as Christmas. Almost.
Even our rottweiler loved them. The year after we lost Hammer, I sat indoors cuddling my deaf (and therefore oblivious) dog, my voice waivering. I can remember saying to Cliff:
"Next year, I'll be okay ... I just can't do it this year."
It was too painful without my beautiful dog and the tears are rising as I think about it.
So there is no way I am going to cope with it this year.
My stomach is doing back-flips thinking about the drive home tonight in the dark ... I know I'll see fireworks all along the journey.
This is going to break me.
I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to be with anyone else.
I want to be with him.
It also happens to be my Dad's Birthday and I can't even go THERE right now.
Anyway what a stupid thing to celebrate ... the fact that Guy Fawkes almost blew up the Houses of Parliament ... doesn't that make him a terrorist?
I know that we, in reality, celebrate the fact that the plot was uncovered ... but I am in a contrary mood today.
So, how am I going to cope?
I'm going to get into bed early with a bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, my dogs and a book.
I'm going to ignore it.
I'm going to ignore the phone.
I'm going to ignore the door.
I don't want to know.