I'm so tired.
I'm so tired all of the time.
I'm tired of this ... it feels like some kind of sick joke.
I got in my car this evening to come home, and sat in the car park for 5 minutes sobbing, calling to him, telling him I didn't want to go home if he was not there.
But then, I know that I have to go on ... and make him proud of me, so I will keep trying.
But this is EXHAUSTING on every level. Emotionally, mentally, intellectually, physically.
My feet move although my heart does not want them to.
I keep telling him this can't be true ... it can't be real ... how CAN it be? He is my world.
When I am warm, it is he who makes me so - he put the heating in. I have a roof over my head and a car because of him. I have protection because of him. I have a job because he gave me the confidence to do it. When I turn on my jacuzzi, it is he who soothes and washes me, and the shower feels as though he is wiping away my tears.
I spoke to the man who we used to buy our fireworks from ... and they will be ready in around 3 weeks. He is building us 3 huge rockets ... one for family from the garden next summer, one for a good friend of ours when he comes home in a couple of years, and one for January - for his friends (from the beach). This man put my mind at rest, telling me not to worry, that he would take care of him, and that Cliff would be sleeping in their bedroom until he's put into the fireworks. I thought it would be expensive, but he refuses to charge me anything above what the rockets cost him. What a lovely man ... he's 76 years old now, but will personally be building our ones. And just before we hung up, around 30 minutes later the cheeky bugger asked me, "Are you still good looking?" I told him I'd aged some ... but he did make me smile.
Makes me so proud to be his wife.
I always will be.