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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Exhaustion and rockets

I'm so tired.

I'm so tired all of the time.

I'm tired of this ... it feels like some kind of sick joke.

I got in my car this evening to come home, and sat in the car park for 5 minutes sobbing, calling to him, telling him I didn't want to go home if he was not there.

But then, I know that I have to go on ... and make him proud of me, so I will keep trying.

But this is EXHAUSTING on every level. Emotionally, mentally, intellectually, physically.

My feet move although my heart does not want them to.

I keep telling him this can't be true ... it can't be real ... how CAN it be? He is my world.

When I am warm, it is he who makes me so - he put the heating in. I have a roof over my head and a car because of him. I have protection because of him. I have a job because he gave me the confidence to do it. When I turn on my jacuzzi, it is he who soothes and washes me, and the shower feels as though he is wiping away my tears.

I spoke to the man who we used to buy our fireworks from ... and they will be ready in around 3 weeks. He is building us 3 huge rockets ... one for family from the garden next summer, one for a good friend of ours when he comes home in a couple of years, and one for January - for his friends (from the beach). This man put my mind at rest, telling me not to worry, that he would take care of him, and that Cliff would be sleeping in their bedroom until he's put into the fireworks. I thought it would be expensive, but he refuses to charge me anything above what the rockets cost him. What a lovely man ... he's 76 years old now, but will personally be building our ones. And just before we hung up, around 30 minutes later the cheeky bugger asked me, "Are you still good looking?" I told him I'd aged some ... but he did make me smile.

Makes me so proud to be his wife.

I always will be.

6 comments:

  1. yes, you will. it's so hard to do this without them. i am feeling all that you are expressing. i understand the physical ache to simply be in the same room with them much less in their arms. you will always be his wife.

    i can say you're not alone but even if i were in the same room with you and said it, there would be only a small pinprick of comforting light in the darkness we have been thrust in. but i feel this deeply. they are watching over us. they know our pain and wish for all the world that they hadn't had to go. i know they went kicking and screaming. but now, they have no doubts that we can make it. they gave us all their strength. they gave us all their love. we are their wives and we will not quit. we will cry and curse fate, but we will not quit.

    thinking of you and sending you as much comfort as i can. i'm always here.

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  2. You are so right ... everything you say ... and I also believe this, but sometimes it's so hard isn't it?

    I looked up at the full moon the other night, driving home and thought of you and your dragon. I need to look up if it was a full moon when I lost my world too because it's always worst during the full moon (not to mention my hormones are blaring at that point LOL)

    We will all make it. I know.

    I love you my friend xxx

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  3. Nothing to add as you've both said it all so completely but thinking of you both and sending my love.

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  4. Me too. Just know you are still loved both here and where Cliff is.

    (((HUGS)))

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  5. boo, you are so right; it is so exhausting. the pain is on absolutely every single level, as i think we've both expressed before. i've heard going into the 2nd year (UGH!!! what a sentence..) is like the real first year. the first year is all foggy and still when we are most in shock. i am feeling that sentence ring so true lately. i feel as if you and i are finally comprehending. finally seeing that we cant do a single thing to make this hurt go away.

    i remember being two months out, telling my best friend (a military widow herself) that i didnt worry about hitting the year mark because i "know i wont be alive to see it." and yet... here we are. but they live because we do. they still get to experience, through us. thats my fire for today.

    thinking of you as always xxx

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  6. Debbie and Lynette - thanks both, hugs to you and love too xxx

    Kim - unfortunately I know that you are right ... it feels as though I am driving out of the fog and am beginning to see this clearly, or clearer at least ... and the reality is pure horror, beyond any comprehension previously. I think our minds are protected during the first months/year to help us avoid losing our sanity.

    I like your idea actually. I like to also think that they are flying along beside us sometimes cheering us on xxxx

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